I’ve always struggled with social interaction to various degrees. I was known as the girl who didn’t hug at school. I don’t mind hugging at all. I just find it hard to work out if someone is coming in for a hug / kiss / handshake as it causes me stress if they don’t make it obvious. So I just don’t unless they come in strong!
We’re joined by Emily, co-founder of Happity, who is sharing her story and talking about what life is like as a neurodivergent parent after her recent diagnosis with ADHD and ASD. She’s here to share what she’s personally found helps her to get by, in the hopes that other parents might feel seen and take away ideas of how to help themselves as a parent.
The Growing Understanding Of Neurodiversity
There is no denying that the number of kids being diagnosed with Neurodiversity (ADHD, ASD, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, etc.) has hugely grown over the last decade or so. Whilst some put this down to tech-focused childhoods or ultra-processed foods, others put it down to pollution or genetics. Nurseries and schools need to think of different ways to ensure neurotypical and neurodivergent kids are able to learn alongside each other. And in my opinion, this is a great thing.
The world needs different types of people (both types of brains) to see innovation. Some of the biggest innovations have come from people who are reportedly neurodivergent. Bill Gates is reported to have Dyslexia and ADHD, and Steve Jobs has Dyslexia. Albert Einstein, whilst living long before diagnosis was available, was believed by experts to have been diagnosed with ADHD, Dyslexia & Autism should he be alive today.
Notably, these are all men. This is partially due to the fact that in history, men were in the position to innovate (or have their innovations promoted). But this is also because picking up neurodiversity in women is typically much harder.
Nowadays, there are many successful women also being diagnosed. Simone Biles, Emma Watson, Cara Delevingne.
And me.
I’m not pretending to be as successful as any of those women (or men!) but now that I’ve been diagnosed (with ADHD and ASD) I’m even more proud of what I’ve achieved. Top grades, top university, top job, and now Happity reaches 2.6m parents each year and helps nearly 6k providers to grow their business. Because it was even more against the odds.
The Signs I Had That I Was A Neurodivergent Parent
I’ve always struggled with social interaction to various degrees. I was known as the girl who didn’t hug at school. I don’t mind hugging at all, I just find it hard to work out if someone is coming in for a hug / kiss / handshake as it causes me stress if they don’t make it obvious. So I just don’t unless they come in strong!
I also pick up EVERYTHING. Every. Last. Detail. So my brain is whirring with thoughts, ideas, and worries constantly. It’s pretty exhausting!
Don’t get me wrong, it can be helpful/entertaining sometimes. My husband and I can hardly watch anything on TV without me knowing exactly what’s going to happen (from “that person is going to die”, “the woman is pregnant”, “they’re going to throw up” seconds/minutes/episodes before it happens!) And it is SUPER useful at work. If Sara (fellow co-founder of Happity) and I discuss doing something, I’ve generally done it within minutes of us deciding to action it. I wouldn’t take no for an answer in COVID when new parents’ mental health wasn’t supported (so much so we changed the law!)
And don’t get me started on when my son had suspected meningitis and I was directing traffic in the rain, whilst orchestrating my parents to be the other side of a jam to carry him to if needed, whilst persuading an off-duty ambulance to pop on its sirens to try to get us through.
But then I crash.
The Two Moods When You’re A Neurodivergent Parent
I have two options.
On hyperdrive, or, well, on the sofa. Which is where you will find me every night from about 8:30pm watching trash. Those are my natural states, but I’ve been learning how to find more of a middle ground. Not letting myself get too “hyper” is key. Vagus nerve resetting techniques (more info further down!) come in handy, as well as planning in downtime after something I know will use up lost of energy.
The world needs those who think outside the box as well as those who think within it. The schooling system would never have been dreamt up if it weren’t for people able to think up the idea to start with, and it wouldn’t have succeeded if there weren’t also people able to build the processes and systems to enable it to be scaled up across the UK / world!
(Incidentally, it will take someone else to think outside the box to clean up the mess that is the UK education system, but that’s for another time!)
Why Have More Parents Been Diagnosed As Neurodivergent Recently?
There has been an upward trend of parents (primarily women) in their 30s and 40s being diagnosed recently. It left me wondering about a few things.
Firstly, is there a link between ADHD / Neurodiversity and PND? It is well documented that I struggled with PND, and incidentally was one of the first women to speak out about this in media. I set up a hugely successful campaign to get people talking about maternal mental health, and wouldn’t take no for an answer in Covid when new parents’ mental health wasn’t supported. I’m sure the ADHD part of me that’s happy to think outside the box and put myself out there to help others is what instigated all this.
But secondly, what can we do to help neurodivergent parents? There is a lot out there (although not enough!) helping to support parents of neurodivergent kids. But what about parents who are themselves neurodivergent?
It’s not something we’ve had to think about as a society until recently. Because it just hasn’t been an issue that most people have been aware of.
While I can’t claim to be an expert, I can talk about what has helped me. So here are my top tips for helping neurodivergent parents from my first-hand experience of being a neurodivergent parent!
But please remember, as the saying goes “When you’ve met one neurodivergent person, you’ve met one neurodivergent person”. So whilst these are my top tips, which I hope will help you as a neurodivergent parent / a supporter of one, everyone is different.
1. Don’t Beat Yourself Up For Not Being Able To Do Imaginative / Free / Role Play
We recently started to write a blog for Happity called, “27 Simple Play Ideas With Toddlers” – and our lovely blog writer Liz asked me to review it (as she knew I’d found it hard to “play”). My feedback to her was that it was well-written, and had great ideas, but it filled me with absolute dread. It was full of imaginative ideas like “put a dinosaur on your head and pretend to be…” or “pick a random kitchen item and start to play with it together”.
I’m sure for the creatives out there that sounds like a lot of fun. But to me, I knew this would just sap my energy in about 2.7 seconds.
Time and time again I’ve tried sitting down with my son to play and it’s like someone has injected me with a tranquiliser. My eyes start to droop, my back starts to ache (and it’s not just the middle age creeping in) and I want to be anywhere else but there.
Which is really sad. Because I love spending time with my son. I just couldn’t do it this way.
What I find works for me is to have planned activities. Things like baking, crafts, trips out, playdates, classes: anything with a structure and a plan! I know for some this is more stressful, but for me this takes the stress out of the day. I’d much prefer to create a humongous mess in the kitchen or be out and about all day than attempt to use imagination and free play.
2. Sleep Is Even More Important
Research says that sleep (and exercise and eating well) is even more important to a neurodivergent person. Because changes in hormones etc can affect us more.
Good luck to new parents, I hear you say!
I struggled with chronic insomnia for about 6 months (when my son was 3-9 months old). The doctors eventually tried strong sleeping pills on me and I still didn’t sleep more than 1 hour a night.
It was awful. And contributed hugely to the severe PND and Postnatal Anxiety I struggled with for months and years after.
Now this is a tricky one. It’s really hard to say to a new parent “just get more sleep”. It’s not like the baby that you lovingly hold in your arms has got that memo!
But it really helps if partners, parents and friends can understand that parents with neurodivergence will need more downtime. It can help to unwind from the constant touch from a baby (particularly difficult for those with ASD), or the constant “on-ness” (particularly difficult for those with ADHD – we’re described as having Ferraris for brains but bikes for brakes, and I definitely find this!)
Alternative Things You Can Do To Get The Downtime
Finding time to breathe, meditating, taking a quick walk in nature, or a bath at the end of a busy day can be really useful to slow down. I used to cross-stitch between bedtime and my evening (of trashy TV!) and I’ve also done the couch to 5k more times that I can count now my son is at school.
Also, finding out what makes your brain whirr can really help. What triggers that blur of thoughts that you can’t stop until you crash? Can you / your partner / someone close help to see this coming and help you to stop?
For me, it’s if I’m lucky enough to go out for the evening with friends or have them around ours for dinner. I will talk and talk and talk and talk. And I love it.
But I also know that once I’m alone at home with my husband, I will need at least 90 minutes of “downtime”. Probably with trashy TV before it’s even worth me trying to go to bed. This is how I got over my insomnia: not going to bed until I literally couldn’t not go to bed. If I went up earlier than this, I’d be awake until 2 / 3am versus perhaps 11pm/midnight going to bed naturally. And if this wind-down couldn’t start until too late I’m going to be paying for it for days in exhaustion.
So can you / your partner / a friend help by giving you a curfew? And by helping you plan your days so you don’t plan too much? (Look up spoon theory!) Try to find a nice balance between being out and about, and chilling.
3. The Need To Feel In Control – And How To Cope When You Don’t Feel That
As neurodivergent people, becoming a parent can feel even more overwhelming. Having ASD means I like to know what’s going on, what’s the plan, and how I can escape if it all gets too much. Seriously, you’ll always find me sitting at the end of a row. And if I’m not I probably won’t be there for very long!
I even created a “process map” for having a shower in the few weeks after having a c-section to ensure I did it in the most efficient way that was least likely to end up rupturing my scar. You can probably also blame this on the fact I was stuck on a ward for the first 36 hours after my c-section next to someone who had ruptured theirs!
Now did the process map really help me be more efficient? No. But what it did do was help me feel in control at a time when everything felt out of control.
It can be really difficult for someone who is neurodivergent when things feel out of control. I’ve found some great techniques to “reset the vagus nerve” really help. Splashing cold water/ice on your face or chest. Putting your bare feet on grass or soil. A weird nose breathing trick (push one nostril closed and breath in through the other, push the other nostril closed and breath out, and in, then swap nostrils.)
And those around you need to understand this. When you get irrationally irritated because plans have changed, it’s because your brain is too overwhelmed. And sometimes just having someone calling this out helps.
Thank You To Emily For Sharing Your Story!
As mentioned above, neurodivergence in parents is a topic that is still fairly new to the table. Whilst there have likely been many neurodivergent parents in the world throughout history, we’re now living in a time where more people are being diagnosed and confirmed to have these conditions. It’s only now that we can begin to understand them more thoroughly (and adapt) in the best ways that suit us!
If you or a loved one are curious about ASD/ADHD, or any of the other neurodivergencies mentioned in this article, we recommend further investigating the signs through websites like the NHS. There’s one about Autism in adults here and one about ADHD here. There are also articles about Dyspraxia and Dyslexia.
And if you would like to investigate it further to get a diagnosis, then the best person to talk to is your GP. While many are quite happy to go through life without a diagnosis (even when they believe they aren’t neurotypical), it can be incredibly validating for neurodivergent adults to receive it. People don’t always choose to get medicated if they receive the diagnosis in adulthood, as they’ve possibly already adapted to life with their neurodivergence. However, a diagnosis can help people to understand why they function just a little bit differently than those around them. If you think it could help you or a loved one to investigate some of these further, then we definitely recommend you give it a try.
We’d love to hear from you. This Is Family is all about sharing family stories. Especially from families who feel like their voices are not often heard. Every family has a unique story to tell. We’d love to hear yours. Find out how you can feature on our blog and get involved. So that other parents can feel less alone.
Want to get out and about, have fun with your baby or toddler, and meet other parents?
Search Happity to find everything that’s happening for the under-5s in your local area – from music and singing classes, to messy play, arts and crafts, baby massage, gymnastics and more. Simply enter your postcode and child’s age to search, and then book your spot in a few taps. Enjoy dedicated fun time with your little one, watch their skills develop, and make friends at the same time. Mums, dads, grandparents and carers will all find something to love!
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