After giving birth, I shut off from the world and and tried to process what had happened. I kept waking up each morning thinking, “how? How can I be on maternity leave but have no baby?”
Stillbirth is when a baby is born dead after 24 completed weeks of pregnancy and, according to Tommy’s, 1 in every 225 pregnancies in the UK ends with stillbirth, with 2,638 babies being stillborn in 2020.
Anna Lumley shares the story of her first baby who was stillborn, and the ways that it has affected her- even to this day. She’s sharing this story with the hope that it will help someone who has experienced something similar feel less alone.
If you are seeking support and help with the loss of a baby, we recommend you visit organisations like Sands, who offer bereavement support groups around the UK. You could also check out Tommys, Lullaby Trust and Baby Loss Alliance for help.
If you are looking for any other support, check our PND support page.
Keep safe. x
My first baby was stillborn at 38 weeks
I’d been doing NCT classes and made a lovely group of new “mum-to-be” friends. I scanned at 36 weeks, and everything was fine. I went out to lunch with everyone on the Friday, and I remember us all wondering who might give birth first.
But by Monday, my life changed completely. Nothing could prepare me for the shock and loneliness I felt being told there was no heartbeat and that my baby would be stillborn. As well as that, I realised that couldn’t face any of the lovely new friends I’d made for a very long time.
After giving birth, I shut off from the world and to try and process what had happened. I kept waking each morning for about six months thinking, “how? How can I be on maternity leave but have no baby? It doesn’t make sense“.
Pregnant again, but avoiding the talk
Almost a year later and I was pregnant again. This time I hid the pregnancy from everyone for a very long time. I only told work because I legally had to, but I requested that it didn’t get discussed a lot. I didn’t even tell my own mum! She’s very ill in a care home, so I didn’t want to worry her.
Even though this was a very long scary pregnancy I was excited to hopefully be part of this wonderful new baby world I’d heard so much about and dreamt of for years.
The struggles to find my tribe and being open about my stillbirth
I contacted NCT and asked would it be at all possible if my number could be passed to some mums. I hoped that I could make some new mum friends, so asked if any could meet up with me. However, I was told this wasn’t possible. There were no mums in Beckenham with a similar due date.
I was offered classes to join once the baby had arrived, or drop in groups to go along to. But this wasn’t the support I was looking for or needed right then. Looking back on that, I realise just how hard that was.
Some time passed, I was induced early and I got my precious baby boy into this world. I felt overjoyed but quickly realised I had no network whatsoever. I scrambled around trying to join in with things. I’d go to classes to meet other new mums, but I struggled constantly. Connecting with other young parents often meant you heard other peoples birth stories and heard the question, “is this your first baby?” multiple times. It was all extremely painful, but I didn’t want to disrespect and not mention the darling baby boy I so nearly had.
Being brave and sharing my story felt like the right thing to do, and the people I was open and honest with were lovely and kind. But I always came away feeling alone. I realised my entrance to parenthood was completely different to most other peoples.
Stillborn/stillbirth is something we need to talk about more
I feel that miscarriage is being spoken about more (I’ve unfortunately experienced that too) and it’s amazing that we’re collectively talking about it. But there is something very different about having a stillborn. Carrying a baby for such a long time, and it being so public to everyone how pregnant you are, makes it a completely different grieving process that’s so shocking and lonely to deal with.
I wanted to share my story as I feel there is a huge gap of support for people like me who have suffered a baby loss but want to go on to enjoy all the same things as everyone else. Missing out on not being able to do NCT antenatal classes for my second (first live baby) was pretty isolating, so I hope that others who are feeling something similar right now can know that they are not alone going through this. It does get easier, and I did make my own mum network overtime.
There is still hope after having a stillbirth
Fortunately my story has ended well. I went on to also have a little girl and can honestly say I enjoyed that pregnancy and birth. I discovered during my second pregnancy that I had undiagnosed gestational diabetes, which I was then able to control. I’m very lucky I had more children and can now talk about Archie with them.
He’s part of my life and part of my story. Without him living inside of me a lot of things wouldn’t have happened to me. The loss of his life has definitely made me so grateful for each day I get to spend with the children I do have.
And, although anniversaries especially are still painful, I treasure that it was him that first made me a mummy and the mum I am today.
We’d love to hear from you. This Is Family is all about sharing family stories – especially from families who feel like their voices are not often heard. Every family has a unique story to tell. We’d love to hear yours. Find out how you can feature on our blog and get involved. So that other parents can feel less alone.
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