Team Happity, and our guest blogger Clinical Psychologist, Dr Zara Rahemtulla, has amazing tips on advice on how to support kids transitioning a child into starting in a nursery or school setting.
It’s important that parents feel confident in supporting their child with this transition. It is a transition that will feel different for every child and parent, and it is important to remember that none of us have been here before, so it is always best to expect the unexpected in terms of ours and our child’s reactions.
1. Start talking to your child about their nursery or school and their keyworker / key teachers NOW
Young children (Under 5’s) don’t have a fully developed ‘sense of time’, so weeks and months can feel long and they will need time to remember their old settings and relationships. Start to talk to them about nursery/school – e.g. what do they remember, who are they looking forward to seeing, look at photos online of their setting/key worker/teachers. If possible, arrange a Facetime Playdate with one or two of your children’s friends before going back. It is also useful to do the journey to nursery/school a few times to re-familiarise your child with the routine. Create a ‘countdown to nursery/school’ calendar for your child so they have something visual to help them prepare.
A top tip when talking to your child about going back is to stay calm, positive and excited.
2. Be prepared to listen to your child’s worries about going back
It is possible that your child may feel confused, sad, worried or angry about the transition back to their setting. Depending on their age, some children might worry about leaving their parent(s), be confused about why they have to go back and/or feel anxious about the virus. Your child will show you their feelings in various ways (again, age depending) so be on the lookout for: increase in tantrums or bigger tantrums, your child becoming tearful in situations they usually wouldn’t, being more withdrawn or an increase in aggressive behaviours. The best way to support your child with these reactions is to accept them, listen to them and not judge them.
It is important to remember that all of these reactions are normal and to be expected, and for most children, temporary.
3. See if your child can have contact with their keyworker / key teacher before they go back
Before they reopen, it might be possible for your child to reconnect with their keyworker via telephone, video call, email or letter. For example, you could ask whether your toddler could have a virtual ‘hello’, sing a nursery rhyme or read a story with their keyworker using an online platform. If you child is school age, perhaps you could email pictures of activities/learning to their key teacher and they can receive a response. This kind of contact reassures the child that their key person still exists, remembers them and is looking forward to seeing them again.
If your child is getting a new keyworker or teacher, they could also connect with them in these ways.
4. Tips when starting nursery: Arrange to have a catch up phone call or updates with your child’s key person
In addition to your child having contact with their key person, it’s a good idea for parents to also touch base with them before your child starts back. It is helpful to talk through any worries or questions you might have about the transition; this will help you feel more at ease about the process and support your child. It is also a good idea to talk to the keyworker about how your child has experienced lock down – if there have been any particular difficulties for your child, any behaviours you are worried about or if they have lost anybody close to them during this time.
“The nursery manager encourages us to call to check in if we want,” says Sally from Team Happity. “And don’t make us feel in any way as though we have a problem child and are reassuring that it’s all very normal and he’s doing well. Today we were even hanging around chatting for a few mins and she came out to tell us the tears had already gone before we’d even left!”
“Some nurseries use an app to give you live updates on your little one,” Says Helen from the team. “How much they have eaten, nappy change times, and photos. This gives a lot of reassurance to see your little one happily playing.”
5. Plan a treat for everyone after the first day/first weekend is over!
Another one of our top tips for when your child is starting nursery is to make sure you reward their bravery. Make sure you celebrate the fact that you have all persevered and worked hard to make the return to nursery/school as manageable and positive as possible. Praise your children for working hard, for being brave and not giving up. And then praise yourself even more! Take a moment at the end of the day/week to tell yourself you have accomplished something that no parent has ever had to do before and you are proud of yourself for it.
6. Tips when starting nursery: Prepare yourself for the tears (both theirs and yours!)
It’s good to expect tears, and it’s entirely normal for you to start sniffling at that initial separation. But try to stay strong!
“Drop them off positively,” says Emily, co-founder of Happity. “Let the staff deal with any big emotions and walk away. It’s hard but apparently helps them realise quicker that this is a good place to be and not to “try it on” to come home with you.”
“I aim for a swift no fuss drop off,” says Sally on Team Happity. “There tends to be a few tears but then apparently they disappear fairly quickly as soon as some trains and toys come out.”
“I definitely aim for a swift confident drop-off,” says Sara, Happity co-founder. “Kids are very perceptive and look to you for guidance on how they should feel about something, so if you have any doubts or go into it thinking that it’s going to be a big awful deal, they’ll pick up on the anxiety and be worried / scared about going into nursery.
“Whereas if you’re super positive about what a lovely time they’re going to have with all their new friends / how exciting it is and they see you smiling, they’re much more likely to go into it with a positive mindset.”
7. Top Tip when starting nursery: Look at different nurseries and choose one you feel comfortable with
At the end of the day, this is a settling period for both you and your children. The last thing you want to do is leave your child at a place that you’re not 100% comfortable or confident in.
“We didn’t have a lot of choice being in an oversubscribed area,” Says Sally. “But we did look round a few and there was a really nice feeling about the one we chose in the end. The staff were all really friendly and engaging, the kids looked happy, the environment was really welcoming, it was a good size – fairly small so it felt as though it was manageable for the staff, a lot of children start around the same age as they take children from 22 months and it looked organised and clean!”
8. Get in touch with your tribe of parents for support
You might be focussing on how you’re going to be settling your little one in when they’re starting nursery, but it’s important to not forget about yourself. Make sure that you surround yourself with a community of parents who will be able to offer you comfort, or allow you to ask any and every question you have!
“I’ve been really grateful for some parent guardian angels,” says Sally. “A whole bunch of people at Happity providing words of reassurance and words of wisdom (thanks lovelies ❤️) as well as a lady who always seems to be there at drop off with her slightly older daughter who offers moral support). It’s so lovely to get some reassurance that you’re doing the right thing when your child is acting as though you’re sending them to some sort of place of torture! Plus having someone to ask silly questions to is great!”
9. Top tips for starting nursery: Prepare your child by doing lots of baby classes in advance
It might be a little overwhelming being in an environment surrounded by kids if your child hasn’t gotten used to that before. It can be loud, and other children can be unpredictable too!
There’s lots of benefits to taking your little ones to baby classes, but in preparation for Nursery, classes will help them:
Not feel so overwhelmed by being in a group with lots of other children
Not leave them overwhelmed by the noise
Get them used to copying instructions and listening to songs in advance. (They might even know a few that they start singing at nursery)
Gives them more confidence about going into new settings / environments
Helps them to learn in advance how they can interact / play with the stuff they see around them.
Are you looking for cheap activities and classes before your child starts nursery?
Activities for parents, guardians, and 0-5-year-olds are running all-year round on Happity. And there are plenty of cheap or free classes listed too, including activities run by libraries, churches and charities. They’re great fun, and they give you a chance to find support and friendship, which might lead to other play dates and meet-ups too.
I’m Emily Tredget; a mother of a 5 year old little boy, and co-founder of Happity. I am writing today, further to my standing as an expert at the House of Commons Petitions Committee on 7th May 2020, to represent views of parents and the baby & toddler class industry, with a particular focus on mental wellness.
In addition, I struggled with post-natal depression and anxiety for 2 years after my son’s birth. Since recovering, I have been actively involved with a number of perinatal mental health organisations and as such have reviewed a lot of the research in this area.
I set up Happity, because, from personal experience I found it is imperative that parents – whether they struggle with mental health or not – can connect and build their local community.
Happity.co.uk is an online platform which primarily connects parents through local (and now online) baby and toddler classes, but we also have a key mental health focus providing support and help in an accessible way.
Executive Summary:
Government needs to take urgent action to support mental wellbeing amongst parents. This petition in particular highlights the needs of those on maternity leave, and whilst a response to this will have benefits for the youngest members of our society, our survey has revealed wide-ranging mental health issues affecting parents and children of all ages.
Whilst in-person baby classes play a vital role in supporting parent wellbeing, the industry has reservations as to how soon it will be safe and viable for class providers to reopen them.
In the interim, we have been able to recreate many of these benefits in an online environment, which with help, we believe we could strengthen further
The industry faces a number of structural challenges in the online world, with widespread low-cost / free content undermining higher quality provision that would better meet mental wellbeing needs.
Parents are also facing uncertain financial futures and therefore are finding it difficult to prioritise paying for their mental wellness
There a number of steps the government could take to help this industry and promote the wellbeing of parents in both indirect (awareness) and direct (funding) support.
The first is in helping to highlight the benefits of these classes via referrals from Health Visitors and government directories, and to ensure that parents are aware that such classes exist – and that they are a very different experience from songs and videos on YouTube.
Secondly, to help overcome the barriers to initial trial, provide the funding for new parents to try their first few classes with approved class providers, and find something they enjoy – particularly those who’ve had babies since March and may have never attended a baby class before. For these parents, there will be low awareness of what a ‘music and movement’ versus ‘sensory play’ class means and what will be most suitable for them and their children.
Thirdly to fund parenting courses focusing on maintaining mental wellness as well as teaching skills parents cannot pick up from peers and family at this time
Covid19 is having a significantly negative impact on mental health in both parents and children. In turn, this will also have an ongoing, detrimental impact for the development of babies in this cohort.
78% of parents we surveyed felt lockdown has had a significantly negative effect on their mental health, affecting parents with children of all ages for a variety of reasons.
Even before covid19, up to 1 in 5 parents were suffering from a perinatal mental health illness, with research suggesting that this often leads to a lack of parent-child bonding, and poor interaction (eye contact and touch). This has a knock-on life-long impact, causing subdued-ness or over-activity in toddlers, and then anxiety in teenage girls and aggression in teenage boys due to underlying effects on the development of learning and memory, stress and emotional responses.
The cost of perinatal mental health was already estimated to be £8.1bn per year per cohort. That figure for this cohort of babies is going to be significantly higher. And with 70% of this cost attributed not to the mother’s recovering, but to supporting their child throughout their life, this is something we need to investigate financially if not morally.
New parents do not have access to their normal support network and community. They have fewer opportunities to learn parenting skills from their peers, parents, and local baby & toddler classes
New parents currently have fewer opportunities to learn about parenting – learning they would normally get from local Children’s Centres, health visitors, through baby classes, from speaking with peers in their community, and also observing how their own parents and relatives interact with their child.
Baby classes play a vital role in parent and child development, as they help to promote bonding and give parents both skills and confidence in how to interact with their child.
At the earliest stages, classes are very much about teaching parents the songs, movements, and the educational principles that will help them support their child’s development for a long time to come – things that the average new parent is completely unaware of.
A large number of class practitioners are formally EYFS trained or have developed their class materials based on the EYFS framework and are parents themselves. They help explain to parents the stages of development for their child, show them what is age appropriate, the importance of repetition, and what is likely to stimulate vs. overstimulate them. For many parents, these classes help them identify what their child enjoys and gives them a wider repertoire to bring out smiles and laughter. It gives them ideas on how to foster early communication (such as baby signing), musicality, and learning vocabulary through songs.
Whilst babies may be spending more time with their parents right now, it seems likely that the quality of interaction may be significantly different vs. cohorts of new parents before covid19.
Parents greatly value the role of in-person baby classes in helping to maintain their mental wellness. Whilst they are keen for these to return, it is not clear this can be done safely.
One of the most important benefits of in-person baby classes is the emotional wellbeing of parents. Under normal circumstances, they provide a reason to get dressed and leave the house, and a way to meet other parents in your community. Health Visitors advise parents to attend classes in order to socialise, get outside and exercise (often through guided postnatal fitness classes), and distribute information about local classes within the baby Red Book.
Parents are currently missing this benefit, and online educational resources and videos that may help to educate parents (as per point 2 above) fall short in providing any social interaction or the opportunity to form local peer-to-peer relationships.
Whilst parents are keen for in-person classes to resume, these would typically take place indoors in fairly small spaces, often with elderly caregivers. It is not clear how this can be done safely in the foreseeable future; babies frequently place equipment in their mouths and attempting to keep children away from one another is stressful for parents.
Online classes, when done in the right way, can replicate many of the benefits of in-person classes
As an organisation with mental wellness of parents at the heart of its mission, Happity has worked closely with class providers to experiment with different types of provision and to develop an online format that provides the next best alternative to in-person classes.
Two thirds of parents who tried a variety of online class provision (including Facebook Lives, downloads and YouTube), said that of these, live interactive classes had the greatest positive impact on their mental health. Once a parent has tried interactive classes, they are very likely to continue.
Hosted through Zoom, Happity@Home classes are limited to a manageable number of families who are required to keep their cameras switched on for the class. The class practitioner can see them and interact with the children and both parents and children can respond to other families in the class too.
They are encouraged to stick with a regular timeslot and get to know other participants in their class, or to invite friends to join with them. They can also Facetime a grandparent to ‘participate’ alongside them, as many grandparents help with childcare and are missing the activities they would have been attending with their grandchildren.
Unlike one-way broadcasts, parents have reported that, much like with in-person classes, these interactive classes help to maintain structure in daily life. Having a set time ensures parents make an effort to go and provides an incentive to get washed and dressed! We also have plans to introduce cohort groupings, encouraging stronger relationships beyond the classes themselves.
Our network of baby & toddler class providers now runs over 500 of these classes each week – ranging from baby signing and massage to postnatal yoga, music and dance, as well as mental health webinars for parents in addition. It has the potential to be much bigger.
These classes are not only supporting thousands of parents, but are also enabling often independent class providers – typically parents themselves – to maintain their livelihood.
Whilst schools are closed and any social distancing measures remain in place, class providers are keen to continue online provision – for both their own safety and business survival. If classes are officially allowed to return too prematurely, they are unlikely to fill classes that have high fixed venue and teaching costs. Online classes present a lower financial risk.
Despite the positive health benefits, we are facing industry-wide challenges to deliver live classes sustainably. Uptake is currently being hindered, rather than helped, by government services.
Live interactive classes compete with a large amount of free content on YouTube and Facebook from celebrities and brands that, as one-way broadcasts, do not offer the same mental health benefits.
Typically, class providers are small, independent businesses with less of a voice on social media and barely-existent marketing budgets. In addition, they have lost their link with local Health Visitors, who would ordinarily be pointing parents towards such classes.
Worryingly, our survey found that the majority of most parents haven’t tried interactive classes because they were either unaware of them, or not prepared to pay for them. This is despite interactive online classes being substantially cheaper than in-person classes, with many priced between £2-5 for the whole family – or even less, when purchased in a block.
Some councils have misguidedly funded independent class providers to create pre-recorded, downloadable content or YouTube videos. This has worsened the situation. Whilst they are ineffective in competing with celebrity-led content, they have undercut and increased the amount of competition for other independent class providers.
In addition, we have been unable to have our service listed in Government directories, which are currently focused on free educational resources – typically downloads or one-way broadcasts. Whilst we understand why Government are pointing to free services, we believe this method is causing more harm than good from a mental health point of view.
To help alleviate the lack of awareness and remove the barriers to new parents trying interactive classes, Happity is leading a charity week for Mental Health Week (wc 18th May) where classes will cost just £1, and proceeds donated to PANDAS – the UK’s largest parental mental health charity.
However, this is a one-off event funded by small businesses who are already struggling to survive. If this type of provision is to continue during an extended period of social distancing, it will need far more structural support than we, as a small business under threat ourselves that has not qualified for government support, are currently able to offer.
Parents are not putting their mental health first in terms of financial decisions. Parents are facing uncertain futures – will they need to return to work and pay for more private nurseries as grandparents cannot help out. Or will they need to resign as there are no childcare provisions. Finances are therefore uncertain, and parents always put themselves last. We have some great mental health courses for parents, but they aren’t currently confident enough to spend this money on themselves – even though it is only a very small amount compared to many other options.
Despite the positive health benefits, we are facing industry-wide challenges to deliver live classes sustainably. Uptake is currently being hindered, rather than helped, by government services.
Live interactive classes provide a cost-effective means of connecting parents and babies. It helps improve mental well-being, as well as supporting a large industry of small businesses.
In the same way that local provision, Children’s Centres and library under-5s services were being funded by councils pre-covid19, we call upon Government to support the industry of live online interactive baby and toddler classes by helping parents discover the benefits for themselves – thus increasing the ongoing demand for these services.
However, with the online environment being so competitive, it is imperative that any interventions must not undermine the commercial viability of the industry.
We propose two methods to do this.
The first is in helping to highlight the benefits of these classes via referrals from Health Visitors and government directories, and to ensure that parents are aware that such classes exist – and that they are a very different experience from songs and videos on YouTube.
Secondly, to help overcome the barriers to initial trial, provide the funding for new parents to try their first few classes with approved class providers, and find something they enjoy – particularly those who’ve had babies since March and may have never attended a baby class before. For these parents, there will be low awareness of what a ‘music and movement’ versus ‘sensory play’ class means and what will be most suitable for them and their children.#
Thirdly, Government should promote and ideally fund courses to help parents maintain their mental wellness, as well as to learn parenting skills. They are currently unable to pick these skills up from peers and their family, which further contributes to mental health anxieties and feeling of failure which can lead to depression. We have these courses, but parents are loathed to spend even a small amount on themselves at these uncertain times.
In conclusion, we believe that:
Government needs to take urgent action to support mental wellbeing amongst parents. This petition in particular highlights the needs of those on maternity leave, and whilst a response to this will have benefits for the youngest members of our society, our survey has revealed wide-ranging mental health issues affecting parents and children of all ages.
Whilst in-person baby classes play a vital role in supporting parent wellbeing, the industry has reservations as to how soon it will be safe and viable for class providers to reopen them.
In the interim, we have been able to recreate many of these benefits in an online environment, which with help, we believe we could strengthen further
The industry faces a number of structural challenges in the online world, with widespread low-cost / free content undermining higher quality provision that would better meet mental wellbeing needs.
Parents are also facing uncertain financial futures and therefore are finding it difficult to prioritise paying for their mental wellness
There a number of steps the government could take to help this industry and promote the wellbeing of parents in both indirect (awareness) and direct (funding) support.
The first is in helping to highlight the benefits of these classes via referrals from Health Visitors and government directories, and to ensure that parents are aware that such classes exist – and that they are a very different experience from songs and videos on YouTube.
Secondly, to help overcome the barriers to initial trial, provide the funding for new parents to try their first few classes with approved class providers, and find something they enjoy – particularly those who’ve had babies since March and may have never attended a baby class before. For these parents, there will be low awareness of what a ‘music and movement’ versus ‘sensory play’ class means and what will be most suitable for them and their children.
Thirdly to fund parenting courses focusing on maintaining mental wellness as well as teaching skills parents cannot pick up from peers and family at this time
On the 7th of May I had the honour of talking “at” the House of Commons about a petition signed by over 200,000 parents about maternity leave extending by 3 months during Covid. You can watch the full session here.
In preparation for the meeting we sent out a survey to gauge the views of parents across the UK. And the response was huge – thank you for your input!
The views regarding extending maternity leave vary widely. 82% wanting maternity leave extended to enable bonding with wider family, building peer support networks, and attending baby classes to help their child develop.
Although interestingly for those with a bump, or already back at work only 66% agreed, compared to 87% for those currently on mat leave. Those already back at work hugely stressed the importance of mental health support (over double the amount felt this was of importance) – having already themselves faced that transition back to work.
But others see this an economic cost society can ill afford at this time. That new parents need to accept the situation they find themselves in, with everyone paying the price in a different way.
For me the key questions to ask are, how is Covid affecting children’s development, what impact is it having on the mental health or parents, and hence their children, and what can we be doing at this unprecedented time to help.
1)Covid is having a detrimental impact on children’s development
A lack of bonding and learning opportunitiesare the main developmental issue facing babies and pre-schoolers at the moment. They are not doing normal life – going to the shops, meeting family and friends, or if they have siblings, they don’t even have mums undivided attention whilst older siblings are at school. Babies learn so much from faces and the environment, and right now there is no variation.
Worryingly a few parents in the survey said their child was now scared seeing the faces / hearing the voices of people outside their immediate family. Given babies learn from faces this is really worrying.
2)Lockdown is having a hugely negative impact on maternal mental health, and in turn, childrens’ mental health.
78% of the parents we surveyed felt lockdown had had significantly negative effects on their mental health.
There are currently two main reasons for this. Firstly parents are lacking any support systems – from wider family, friends and peers. And secondly many parents are finding themselves in the impossible situation of working full-time whilst homeschooling or caring full-time.
One parent said:
“It has pushed us to the brink. We have had to work almost as if it was BAU but looking after our son full time too. This is a crazy demand that is putting too much strains on parents and families and children are paying the price.”
And this is affecting children’s mental health as they are anxious due to their parents being highly stressed, often passing them back and forth between meetings. Parents who have no time for a break, no time to even talk to one-another, possibly with huge financial strains. Poor interactions are known to negatively effect children throughout their lifetime. So something needs to be done, and now.
3) The Government needs to support the mental health of parents, and the development of babies
Whilst it is imperative the government works out how to support parents – whether they are coming off maternity leave, or beyond that point – who are trying to work and look after their children at this tricky time, I feel we need to do something now that both helps parent’s mental wellbeing, and replicates the bonding, developmental and learning experiences that babies are missing, being unable to explore the world outside their four walls.
Whilst many normal life experience can’t be had now, adults have become adept at replicating interactions through zoom chats and phone calls. We need to replicate this for our children. We don’t just sit watching TV all day to feel like we have interacted, so we can expect children to develop social skills watching youtube?
4)Attending baby classes was the top thing parents felt that they needed right now to help maintain their mental wellness
One parent said:
“The importance of baby groups & activities on parental mental health cannot be underestimated – and poor mental health can have a negative effect on bonding with your baby. All of the advice on how to deal with feeling low / anxious post natally is around socialising, finding your “tribe” to find solidarity with other parents, getting outside, exercising, having someone else look after the baby for a short time to have some “me time” – all of which is difficult at the present time (especially for those with other children)”
And they are of course fundamental in helping children to develop. Additionally they will help (as best as we can right now), to socialise children if they do need to head to an unfamiliar nursery for their parent to start working.
As an organisation with mental wellness of parents at the core of its mission, we at Happity have worked with class providers to develop an interative class format that is the next best alternative to in-person classes.
Happity interactive classes happen live, with a small number of families all able to see each other to participate in a class. Families are encouraged to stick with a regular timeslot and get to know other participants in their class, or invite friends to join with them.
Once parents try these interactive classes, an overwhelming majority find them to be hugely beneficial and of much more valuable than the free options they are currently being promoted. But until they try them they don’t understand the difference of a truly interactive class, or don’t understand the benefits for their families mental health.
One parent said:
“The interactive classes have been the most helpful as we’ve had opportunities to talk with other mums and feel less alone. We can also consult about baby behaviour and feel reassured that our children are developing in the realms of normal compared to other babies.”
So, to help parents in trying out interactive classes we are leading a #HappityTogether charity week for Mental Health Week (wc 18th May) where many classes will cost just £1, and proceeds donated to PANDAS – the UK’s largest parental mental health charity. The classes will be up to book soon at www.happity.co.uk, and we will share more information on this soon.
5) Other areas parents wanted the government to help were:
Mental Health support for parents and children now and after covid (27%)
Interactive classes funded by the government (12%)
Opening of classes/parks ASAP for families only (10%)
Reopening of schools/nurseries ASAP (10%)
Video calls with Midwives/Health Visitors (5%)
6) What’s next?
I have submitted a paper to the Government regarding supporting parents with the mental health, and promoting (or even funding) the provision of interactive classes as these are most beneficial for parents and children alike.
We have also created another survey, focusing more on interactive classes as this is what they would like us to input on next. Please find the survey here and pass onto parents to fill out and have their say when we submit a proposal to Government.
These solutions will support parents’ mental health and support the development of babies and children. This will reduce the need for huge amounts of mental support now and for the years, if not decades to come. The cost of perinatel mental health is estimated to be £8.1bn per year per cohort. The figure for this cohort of babies is going to be significantly higher. And with 70% of this cost attributed not to the mother’s recovering, but to supporting their child throughout their life, this is something we need to investigate financially if not morally.
Mothers and children might seem a luxury to invest in given the challenges our economy and services face. But enabling this major section of society to function effectively will have a large effect on society, the economy, and services more widely than just the narrow experience of mums and babies in the short term.
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