Defined by Motherhood, not by Grief – Maternal Mental Health
Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week 2023 is from Monday 1st – Sunday 7th May. This year the theme is ‘Together in a changing world’. So we are sharing the stories and experiences of parents in our community to hopefully make anyone struggling with their mental health feel less alone.
For a lot of people, becoming a new parent can be a time of adjusting. It is, of course, a wonderfully exciting and happy time, but it can be overwhelming as you navigate this change. Extra stresses in life, such as bereavement, can make this seem even more daunting. This is the story of a Mum, facing the grief of losing her own mum, not long after the birth of her first baby.
A happy addition to the family, and a painful loss
I’ve always wanted to be a parent, and it was a dream come true when I had my baby girl. I’m an only child, and my Mum and I have always been close. She couldn’t have been happier for me, with the new addition to our family. When my baby was three months old, I was just getting into the rhythm of having a new baby, and our new routine. My Mum was helping a lot with the new baby, helping me with things like sorting the laundry. Little things that seemed a bit too much for me at the time. So it came as a complete shock when my Mum passed away suddenly.
Finding a support network
It’s an understatement to say this was a difficult time. I was lucky to have the support of my husband, Dad, mother-in-law, friends and family. But I found that I had less resilience to difficult and stressful things. Sometimes finding the pressures of parenting and everyday life too much to handle. Things like making sure I had enough clean baby clothes and that I got enough sleep. At first I was scared that my experience would isolate me from my new mum friends. This support network is so important when you’ve had a new baby. Death is a taboo subject, and people are often afraid to say the wrong thing. But just the offer of being there or spending time with someone who is grieving can be a real comfort to them.
There were aspects to being a new parent while grieving that I had not anticipated: thinking about alternative childcare for the days my Mum was going to do, how my first Mother’s Day as a mum was also my first without my Mum, or seeing my friend’s babies with their grandparents.
Recovery, Purpose, and a Sense of Meaning
My Mum was the most positive person I knew, and this made my recovery easier. I’m lucky that I had such a great relationship with my Mum. This makes me able to still feel close to her. Having my baby gave me purpose and a sense of meaning. I did find that I enjoyed the social interactions, such as how people often say hello in passing, or smile at you when you are out with a buggy. This felt good and made me feel connected to the community around me. I’ve been trying to embrace those positive vibes of my Mum’s optimism and enjoying my baby.
Making grief more managable
There are some things that I’m focusing on, aspects of parenting that can make grieving a bit more manageable:
- Although it’s not easy, I’ve found that going through the milestones and rituals of parenting reminds me of when I was little. This really makes me feel closer to my Mum. Things such as breastfeeding my little one and singing the same songs.
- Going through this has made me appreciate that I am stronger than I realise. I can give my baby (most of!) everything that she needs.
- I have learnt so much more from my Mum than I perhaps realised. Stories or events that I didn’t know I had taken in are in my memory from what my Mum told me.
- I have gained a new appreciation of my Mum as I became a mum myself. I gained an understanding of what she has done to help over the years that as a child it is easy to take for granted.
- I have found solace as I begin to (just about!) understand parenthood – being a parent yourself gives a fresh perspective. Looking from a parent’s point of view, you understand that you only want your child to be happy and remember the good times. I want this for my baby, and hopefully, this can diminish any sense of guilt or other negative feelings I have.
Sometimes I feel guilty for the times that I felt down. But as time passed I began to understand that it is better to acknowledge these feelings. It is not as straightforward as progressing through grief, but over time it becomes easier to manage. I’ve heard people say that while grief does not disappear over time, but life and the happy things get bigger around your grief.
Escapism and community
One of my biggest focuses became the baby groups that I go to regularly with my baby. The escapism into a fun world of sensory play or dress up, I found to be the perfect time to focus on my baby. It’s wonderful how many different things we have tried and still go to, such Forest School and baby swimming to name a few! Now my little one has just started to walk, this has opened up new groups for us to try- we’re starting gymnastics next week!
As I’ve mentioned above I’m grateful for the support I have received. Grateful that my Mum got to see me become a mum.
While I don’t want grief to define me, I’m happy to be defined by motherhood.
Maternal Mental Health Week 2023
This story was shared as part of Mental Health Awareness Week 2023. Maternal Mental Health Week is a week-long campaign dedicated to talking about mental health problems before, during, and after pregnancy. Join the conversation on social media using the hashtag #happitystories
For more information on Maternal Mental Health Week 2023, please click here.
Where You Can Seek Help
Thank you for sharing such a relatable perspective on a subject that’s so sensitive. It can be incredibly difficult to reach out for help, and you are incredibly inspiring for doing so yourself.
If you yourself feel that you need to reach out for help, then we recommend that you contact your GP to tell them how you are feeling. Or, get in touch with charities specifically created to talk to you when you are struggling, such as PANDAS.
Find out more on our Mental Wellness & PND support page.
Would You Like To Share YOUR Story?
We’d love to hear from you. This Is Family is all about sharing family stories – especially from families who feel like their voices are not often heard. Every family has a unique story to tell. We’d love to hear yours. Find out how you can feature on our blog and get involved. So that other parents can feel less alone.
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