I’m realising that I need to have pride, so that Hugh can have pride when he’s older. As he grows up, I hope that he’s proud to have two mums. But that pride starts with us.
We’re joined by Kate from Team Happity, who shares her story of how she and her same-sex partner, Ceris, became parents.
About Our Family
Our family is made up of 4 different members. There’s me, Kate, my partner, Ceris, our son, Hugh (who’s two-and-a-half), and our dog, Ole. As a family, we spend the majority of our free time going outdoors for walks or enjoying football. We’re big fans of football in our house, especially the women’s Manchester United team. We find women’s football to be a lot friendlier than men’s.
Our family type doesn’t get talked about a lot in popular media, so sharing stories like mine feels important. Ceris and I went into our parenting journey so blind. The only way I managed to find out information about IVF or having children from an LGBT perspective was from an old friend who I hadn’t spoken to in years. I knew she had two children with her female partner through IVF, and I thought, what was the harm in sending a message? I felt comfortable reaching out to her, but other same-sex couples might not. Others might not even have the connection to begin with!
It’s a unique experience, and it can be isolating. Hopefully sharing my story will help someone feel less alone. I’m quite happy to be that friend who helps them to learn more about this route into parenthood.
Where It All Started
Let’s go back to 2020.
I was a competitive cheerleader, and I was training up for the world championships. As you can imagine, life was pretty busy. Our team were supposed to compete in the April, and then following that I was planning to do my next season of cheering with a new team. I had booked myself up for a lot of plans. But then like so many things, the pandemic toppled our pyramid and ended practically all of them.
It’s an understatement to say that COVID-19 put a steely red stop sign in our lives. And it seemed like it wasn’t going away quickly. Cheering was going on hold, and we knew we would have a lot more time on our hands. And, with that time, I started having the gut feeling that it was finally the right point to start a family. It was something I and Ceris knew we wanted. And with our age (plus the timing of everything), it felt like it was the right time to try for a baby.
Private Vs NHS As Same-Sex Parents-To-Be
We decided that we wanted to save up and take the Private route when it came to our parenting journey. Whilst it wasn’t actually the case in our area, we knew there were a lot of locations around the UK that didn’t allow same-sex couples to do IVF on the NHS at the time.
While it’s not applicable to all of the UK, we also knew that in some areas, the NHS has policies in place that makes the process very difficult for same-sex couples. Including needing to have had ‘x’ number of losses and have been trying for a baby for 6 months. And of course, for a same-sex couple, that’s never going to happen as you can’t conceive.
With all that in mind, we decided to save up and take the private route.
Choosing A Fertility Clinic / Deciding On Who Would Carry
After a bit of research and doing Google deep-dives, we picked Create Fertility as our clinic. Going to our first appointment, I really went into it blind. I didn’t know what to expect about timelines, costs, what the many acronyms meant, or how many acronyms there were!
In terms of the process, those initial first consultations are more or less checks to make sure we were fit and healthy. We both had consultations and scans to check that everything was good on the inside, and once we got the thumbs up, the doctor talked us through the different routes.
There was IVF, IUI (although that wasn’t available at our clinic), and a number of alternatives. Ceris and I knew that the route we wanted to take was something called Shared Motherhood. To summarise, they would take Ceris’ eggs, use a donor’s sperm to fertilise them, and then I would carry them.
We knew from the start that I would be the one to be pregnant, as the thought of being pregnant freaked Ceris out a bit. I don’t think Ceris was set on having kids before we were together, but she knew it was something I felt very strongly about.
Finding A Donor
Because Covid was still at large at the time, there was a real limit of donors available when we were looking. The process of finding a donor made me super curious. How many details do they really give you about the donor? How much do you actually get to pick?
In America, they give you loads of details. There’s photos of the donors as a child alongside photos as an adult so you can get a good idea of what your child would look like. They don’t do that in the UK, and we were far from greeted with family photo albums or galleries of images. You don’t receive photos, but they tell you some of the characteristics of the donor, like ethnicity, hair colour, height, weight, build, occupation and interests.
We eventually received a donor through Create Fertility’s donor bank. We wanted to go for a donor with similar characteristics to me, with it being Ceris’s eggs we were using, but there was a limitation on donors due to Covid (I’m not really sure why!) and in the end, the donor we received was Danish, blonde… and absolutely nothing like me! On the plus side, we heard he was sporty, and that ticks a massive box for both of us.
That initial process of becoming pregnant went pretty fast, to be honest! We had our consultation at the beginning of September, and because everything in my scans was fine, we were good to go as soon as we found the donor. Ceris had her eggs out in November, then they fertilised and froze them in December (Merry Christmas to us!). Then, I went in January, and we were very lucky (and super happy) that it worked the first time. From start to finish, the process took 5 months.
Maternity / Paternity Leave For Same-Sex Parents
Luckily for us, just before we got pregnant, Ceris’ employer changed their maternity/paternity policy, so that adoptive parents, carriers and non-carriers were all eligible for 5 months of fully paid leave. This meant she could help me a lot through those early stages.
As mums, we complement each other pretty well. I’m very much a morning person: if you put a film on in the evenings I’m the first to fall asleep. But for Ceris, it takes her about an hour to come round from her sleep. Luckily, Hugh would take both breast and bottle, so we worked in shifts. I would be able to handle the mornings, and Ceris would be able to give him a couple of bottles in the night.
Having support from Ceris in those early stages of motherhood was so beneficial. Having her around helped me so much.
How We Handle Childcare As Same-Sex Parents
I am the primary carer for Hugh. There were massive hesitations about returning to work after maternity leave. I didn’t like my job (this was before I started at Happity), it was a 40-minute drive away, and the environment was unpleasant and stressful. I also hated the idea of putting Hugh into nursery full-time at such a young age.
When I found the job listing for Happity, it felt like it fit my needs perfectly. We worked out that, even though it was a completely different kind of work and part-time (15 hours a week), the difference when you add in the costs to buy a second car and drive to work with my current job would amount to the same kind of take-home as Happity. With the added benefit of being able to spend much more time with Hugh.
In terms of additional childcare, Hugh goes to the nursery for 2 mornings a week. That’s more through choice than necessity, as I wanted him to have that interaction at nursery. But he didn’t start nursery until he was two.
Ceris’ mum is retired, and her dad & step-mum are semi-retired, so each of them are happy to take a morning of childcare while I work. With those extra bits of childcare, and the flexibility Happity offers, I work in those hours (Or sometimes in the evenings).
Hugh’s Understanding Of Our Family And Same-Sex Parents
He’s very aware now that we have a different family type. He’s played with our next-door neighbours and heard them say ‘daddy’, and then come back to us to question, “oh, daddy?” We’ll break it down for him in simple terms and describe our family dynamic again. Something along the lines of, “yeah Hugh, they have a mummy and a daddy, and you have a mummy and a mumma, don’t you?”
The questions started a lot earlier than we thought they would! But, for parents wondering how to handle that conversation, there are a few things out there that can help.
For example, there’s a book we got for Hugh called, ‘This Is My Family’, and it goes along the lines of, “some families like to be noisy and loud, some like to be quiet. Some live with grandparents, some live far apart”. We keep a few things like that around our house and read them to Hugh semi-regularly to teach him that all families look different. But they are all beautiful and filled with love.
Now that he’s becoming more aware, we want to be honest instead of shutting it down. The hope is that this openness will help him to grow up more open-minded.
Regularly Coming Out As An LGBT Parent
Before parenthood, I always worried about prejudice and homophobia. I’ve been very fortunate to have not experienced any in my parenting journey. But, for those who are mostly wondering about how parenthood is different for LGBT parents, then one thing to note is that you are almost always coming out!
It happens when you are just existing as an LGBTQ+ person (parent or not!), someone will ask you about your boyfriend or girlfriend and you’ll have to gently let them know that you have a partner of the same sex. Or, to save time and avoid the awkwardness of telling the girl on the till that you’re gay when you just want to buy a bag of satsumas, you decide to just go with it and pretend you’re straight. People aren’t malicious with it when it happens, and you can’t really be upset with them. It’s not homophobic, people are just assuming.
It’s a similar thing when you’re a parent. And it’s happened a few times now where I’ve been out and had people ask, “Is his dad tall or blond?” And, instead of correcting them, you go with it to brush them off because you have a hundred and one things to do and don’t have time to keep on coming out. It’s tedious to keep on outing yourself over and over. But…
Having Pride For My Family
As time goes on, I find I’m having to drag myself out of the closet an inch more every day.
If we’re out shopping, and Hugh asks, “where’s mumma?” and then calls me mummy, I find myself feeling awkward if there’s older people nearby.
It’s not that I’m still in the closet, I came out when I was 16, so that’s a hurdle I overcame years back. That said, I’ve never been one of those people who are loudly proud: I’ve always been modest with it. But As Hugh gets older, we need to start changing that. He’s listening more and becoming more aware of what we say and do. If I continue to hide the fact I’m in a same-sex relationship in those everyday interactions, it subtly indicates to Hugh that having two mums is something he should hide too.
So, the take-home is this: As same-sex parents, you need to have pride so that your children can have pride. As Hugh grows up, I want him to be proud to have two mums. I hope that he doesn’t shy away from it or pretend he has a dad. The truth is that the pride and courage I want for him starts with us. If I shy away from it and continue to stay quiet for convenience, then he will too.
It’s not a dirty little secret. We’re very proud of our family. And I hope that he will be too.
Would You Like To Share YOUR Story?
We’d love to hear from you. This Is Family is all about sharing family stories. Especially from families who feel like their voices are not often heard. Every family has a unique story to tell. We’d love to hear yours. Find out how you can feature on our blog and get involved. So that other parents can feel less alone.
Joanne White, Clinical Hypnotherapist at Love Parenthood shares her insight on navigating intrusive thoughts as a new parent. Read on to learn her tips.
I love to plan and organise. I was a primary school teacher so I planned each day out practically to the minute. When I got pregnant it was the perfect project for me to research, plan and prepare. But all the antenatal classes, all the reading, and even the horror stories I picked up about birth didn’t prepare me for intrusive thoughts.
The Start Of Intrusive Thoughts
I had no idea what intrusive thoughts were when I was a new parent, but they arrived swiftly after my baby was born and they haunted me for far too long. The thoughts took the shape of me repeatedly imagining how my baby might get hurt. I’d walk past a window and see him falling. I’d carry him down the stairs and wonder, what if I fell or dropped him? The thoughts would arrive quickly, but wouldn’t leave with the same haste. Once they were there I couldn’t let them go. I had no idea why they were coming. And then the self-deprication started happening: maybe I was a bad mum? Maybe I just wasn’t cut out for parenting? Maybe I wanted these awful things to happen?
Of course, this was far from the truth. I loved my baby so much and I was a good mum, doing my best to get through those early days. What I learned was that intrusive thoughts can come in many forms. From fear of harm coming to our babies to doubting our own abilities or questioning the intent of those around us. They can be deeply disturbing and often involve us envisioning worst-case scenarios and fears.
Intrusive Thoughts Are Common
The most reassuring information I found about these thoughts was that most mothers will experience them at some point postnatally. They’re common, we just don’t talk about them! So if you’re also suffering with intrusive thoughts, you’re not alone. And just because we have the thoughts, doesn’t mean we want to act on them or that what we’re imagining will happen.
So, what makes intrusive thoughts as a new parent so common? It’s likely to be several factors, including changes in hormones, sleep deprivation, increased anxiety and stress, the overwhelm of adjusting to being a new parent, lack of support and the pressure to be a ‘perfect parent’. Other factors such as a stressful or traumatic birth experience or previous mental health issues such as anxiety or obsessive compulsive disorder can also mean that a parent might be more susceptible to intrusive thoughts.
Acknowledging Your Thoughts
Our brains tend to turn toward anxiety to try and protect us when we’re stressed or feel under threat. And with a new baby in the house, there’s a high likelihood of stress also being present! Intrusive thoughts are our brains’ way of trying to prepare for any possible threat that may come our baby’s way. Rather than berate ourselves or feel shame when we have these thoughts, compassion can help us to see them for what they are and seek support.
I also learned that focusing on the thoughts, picking them apart and looking for meaning in them was one of the worst things I could do. It led to more intrusive thoughts and way more confusion. Instead I worked on letting the thoughts come and go. Pushing the thoughts away never helped, they’d come back more insistent every time. So I’d let them come, notice them, acknowledge they were nothing but an intrusive thought and then let them go. I would reach for a thought that made me feel better. Sometimes the thought that made me feel better would be one about a supportive person I loved like my mum or my husband. Sometimes it would be a memory of a holiday, sometimes wondering what we should have for dinner! I’d repeat this process every time an intrusive thought appeared and in time, it helped to take the fear out of them.
Seeking Support For Intrusive Thoughts As A New Parent
If you’re experiencing intrusive thoughts, spend some time looking at how you can get a little extra support to try and reduce stress and anxiety. Do you need some help around the house? Can someone watch the baby while you sleep? Do you feel lonely and need time to interact with other parents? Tending to our own needs is crucial, but in early parenthood, it’s often something we overlook or forget altogether. If we’re running on empty our brains are much more likely to go to a negative or anxious place. Take the time you need for yourself when you can.
Finally please remember that your thoughts are not you, they are simply thoughts. They are not a reflection of your ability to parent or your love for your child. They’re your brain’s response to stress and anxiety. Being a mum is hard work, there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re experiencing these thoughts. If you find your thoughts are becoming more distressing, don’t hesitate to talk to someone. Seeking help can make all the difference to your experience as a parent. You deserve to enjoy this time with your little one as much as possible.
Thanks To Jo – Love Parenthood
I’m Jo a clinical hypnotherapist and psychotherapist. After my son was born I struggled hugely with anxiety and found that hypnotherapy really helped me. I was so impressed with the impact it had on my life that I left my role as a primary school teacher and set up my own practice.
Now I support other parents to find themselves again, feel confident and enjoy family life. I love that what I do still has an impact on children and helps them get the best start.
I work in person in Peterborough and also see clients online from all over the UK. When I’m not working, my favourite things to do are read, get out in nature or cosy up with a cuppa!
Want To Get Out And About, Have Fun With Your Baby Or Toddler, And Meet Other Parents?
Search Happity to find everything that’s happening for the under-5’s in your local area – from music and singing classes, to messy play, arts and crafts, baby massage, gymnastics and more. Simply enter your postcode and child’s age to search, and then book your spot in a few taps. Enjoy dedicated fun time with your little one, watch their skills develop, and make friends at the same time. Mums, dads, grandparents and carers will all find something to love!
We are joined by Catherine Wasley, aka The Parent Rock, who is a certified holistic sleep coach. Read on to learn her tips!
Before we get going, I want to lay my cards on the table. As a holistic sleep coach, I don’t recommend sleep schedules or wake windows. There’s a vast array of plans, charts and apps out there that all claim to have the correct wake windows at every age. At best, they can give a little guidance if you’re struggling to make head or tail of your baby’s sleep, but I’ll tell you the reason why they’re not in my sleep toolkit, and why they shouldn’t be in yours either.
Wake Windows – Fact Or Fiction?
You might think that as they’re so widespread that there is some science behind them, but there isn’t. The truth is they are not evidence-based. And this is where the problem lies. These generic schedules assume that every baby at a particular age will sleep at the same time for the same length of time. So the reality is that they cannot work for EVERY baby because every baby is unique, and sleep needs are fluid. Babies are not robots!
But this doesn’t mean you have to fly by the seat of your pants with your baby’s sleep. Some parents are happy to just go with the flow, with no regularity of naps and bedtimes, but I, for one, cope much better with motherhood with some structure to my days.
So let’s look at how you can create a bespoke holistic sleep schedule for your baby – simply!
How Much Sleep Does Your Baby Need?
Start by totalling the hours they sleep over 24 hours. Include ALL forms of sleep – daytime naps, contact naps, carrier naps, and even the time they spend sleeping while feeding. Now compare the duration of daytime sleep to nighttime sleep.
Refer to the chart above to see if your baby’s sleep aligns with the typical patterns for their age. If there seems to be a sleep deficit, see whether it’s more prominent during the day or at night. One word of caution! There will always be outliers, some babies have lower sleep needs, while others require more sleep than average.
If you find that your baby is getting less sleep than the sleep chart suggests, consider this before jumping into solutions – how is your baby’s general mood? If they are consistently happy and content, it’s highly unlikely that they aren’t getting enough sleep. This naturally leads to the next point.
What Are Your Baby’s Tired Signs?
There are varied ways in which babies communicate their fatigue. For example, becoming less engaged and responsive, a glazed look, rubbing face on your chest and shoulder. However, sometimes so-called tired signs may not actually be tired signs at all! Yawning for example is not necessarily a tired sign. It might be a sign of boredom, it might be a sign of overwhelm, it might be a sign of stress. I know this all sounds rather confusing, but trust me, you’ll soon work it out! Take the time to understand your baby’s unique cues for tiredness. Each baby is different, so being genuinely curious about your baby’s individual signals is key.
Sleep Diary
Keeping a sleep diary to track your baby’s sleep patterns and behaviours can be helpful. Note down timings of naps, bedtimes and morning wake ups, along with their general behaviour and mood before and after each stretch of sleep. Over time, this should help you understand and recognise their unique tired signs better and discover the ideal times for their naps and bedtime.
So now to piece it all together!
Bedtime
Please don’t fall for the traditional 7pm bedtime. There is no set in stone time for bedtime. There is no right time for bedtime. There are so many dependables – age of your baby, your individual circumstances, when their last nap of the day was, etc, etc. Go for a bedtime which suits your family and your baby. If bedtime is too early for your baby then it will potentially go on for AGES as basically your baby just isn’t tired enough, and you’ll both end up frustrated! On the other hand, if bedtime is too late then you’ll have a very cranky dysregulated bundle on your hands!
So Work Backwards. What Time Do You Want To Start The Day?
Bear in mind how much sleep your baby has over night. If the total is say 10 hours (not necessarily in one long stretch – but wouldn’t that be nice?!) and you’d like a 7am wake up then aim for a 9pm bedtime. This may sound late but bear in mind that as your baby grows and daytime naps decrease, the night sleep will increase, resulting in bedtime being brought forward.
Whatever bedtime works for you and your baby, I suggest keeping it consistent, along with the time you get your baby up in the morning. These two times really do help to anchor the day and night for your little one.
What Should Your Baby’s Naps Look Like?
Here’s a VERY rough guide to how long your baby may be awake between naps. Up to the age of 6 months, pay attention to the duration of wakefulness between naps rather than sticking to fixed nap times. During this stage, it’s very normal for naps to vary in length, so respond to your baby’s tired cues.
A Rough Guide To Naps:
• Newborns 0-1 month: Awake intervals are often less than an hour, with 4-5 naps lasting approximately 30 to 60 minutes each. • 1 to 3 months: Awake intervals typically remain under 1.5 hours, and the number of naps is around 4. • 3 to 6 months: Awake intervals usually stay under 2 hours, and the number of naps may reduce from 4 to 3. • 6 months and beyond: A more defined pattern may emerge, with around 3 naps a day (generally morning, lunchtime, and afternoon). • 7 to 9 months: The afternoon nap may no longer be needed. • 15 to 18 months: The morning nap is often dropped with just one lunchtime/ afternoon nap remaining.
With the info you’ve gathered from your sleep diary, you’ll be able to work out nap timings for your baby. And in all honesty, timings are more important than location or length of nap. If your little one stays awake for too long before a nap, they may become irritable and have difficulty settling down. On the other hand, attempting to put them down for a nap before they’re ready could result in resistance.
Additionally, it’s important to ensure that the last nap of the day isn’t too close to bedtime. Insufficient sleep pressure (the drive to fall asleep the longer we are awake) might lead to spending the evening with an energetic little companion!
Please don’t stress about naps. One poorly timed nap might or might not negatively impact your day BUT it most certainly won’t ruin your baby!
Is Your Baby A Catnapper?
And while we’re on the subject of naps just bear in mind that some babies thrive on long naps, while others are natural catnappers, and that suits them just fine! Naps are influenced by a combination of your child’s temperament and their genetic makeup. The truth is, you can’t force your child to nap for a longer duration if that’s not what they need.
Flexibility Is Key
Having a sleep schedule can be helpful but don’t feel you have to stick to it, come what may. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes plans need to change. Don’t let a rigid routine stop you from getting out there and having fun!
The takeaways I have for you are that your focus should be on recognising your baby’s tired cues and being flexible to their changing individual sleep needs. If your baby is not displaying signs of tiredness and is generally happy, there is no need to change a thing – you’re smashing it!
So trust your instincts and remain in tune with your baby’s sleep needs, even if they don’t always match the classic baby sleep textbook! (they probably don’t!)
Thanks To Catherine – The Parent Rock
Catherine Wasley, aka The Parent Rock, is a certified holistic sleep coach (OCN Level 6) who works on a 1:1 basis with parents using gentle yet effective strategies to achieve the sleep goals of the family.
Want to get out and about, have fun with your baby or toddler, and meet other parents?
Search Happity to find everything that’s happening for the under-5’s in your local area – from music and singing classes, to messy play, arts and crafts, baby massage, gymnastics and more. Simply enter your postcode and child’s age to search, and then book your spot in a few taps. Enjoy dedicated fun time with your little one, watch their skills develop, and make friends at the same time. Mums, dads, grandparents and carers will all find something to love!
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