You’ve had your first baby and you’ve just about got to grips with parenthood, and the question pops into your head, “am I ready for another baby?”
We chatted to members of Team Happity to get the low-down on what it’s really like to add a second baby into the mix – and some things we wish we’d known before going from one to two!
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1. Make The Most Of The First Few Sleepy Baby Weeks
“I was fortunate enough that my older toddler was in nursery a couple of days a week and I used those days to regroup and rest. The transition from one to two actually felt easier than zero to one child. I was expecting and planning for a nightmare situation and it wasn’t quite so bad as I was already used to sleep deprivation and my lifestyle had naturally adapted more towards having little ones.”
– Sally, Team Happity
2. Accept Help And Support
“Take all the support you can get. I remember being very conscious not to disturb my husband while he was working and I was looking after the kids. Even when I was really struggling. I was talking to my best friend who had her second shortly after me, and she thought I was insane! She pulled her own husband out of the home office every five seconds to help her get shoes on, put the buggy in the car, hold the baby while she made lunch etc. If you’re struggling, it’s not because you’re bad at it, it’s because it’s a really exhausting job.”
– Lisa, Team Happity
“I didn’t like disturbing my husband either at work unless it was a poonami situation and I literally had no hands! I do remember ringing him from the park once on the way back from nursery to bring a fresh change of clothes (luckily he was home that day even though it was pre-Covid). So top tip – always carry spare clothes that fit both the baby and the toddler. In fact, carry two spare sets.”
– Liz, Team Happity
3. Be Savvy When Using Parental Leave
“My husband had four weeks of paternity leave. We decided to split this to cover the times that we felt would be hardest – right at the beginning and after about 3 months when the sleep deprivation hits and the new baby visits wane. Then definitely rope in friends and grandparents for play dates, to cook meals, tidy up etc.”
– Sally, Team Happity
“I’m very fortunate that Ceris has amazing paternity leave so she will be off for five months which is going to be a huge help! I said I want to try and prioritise a certain amount of time each day dedicated to Hugh so he still gets some quality play time with me.”
– Kate, Team Happity
4. Be Ready To Team Tag
“With just over two years between them, I remember (and we still do this to some extent) the feeling of ‘tag teaming’ two adults with two very young children. And the times when we’d have both on changing mats, or one in the bath and one on the changing mat, only to swap them over a few minutes later. Or how one would nap, and then the other wouldn’t drop off until after the first one woke up. If you’re a single parent, I definitely recommend surrounding yourself with some extra people whenever possible and be ready to pass the baton. If I did it again, I’d ask for more help and probably invite friends and grandparents round more often.”
– Liz, Team Happity
5. Don’t Worry About Taking Shortcuts – It Doesn’t Have To Be Perfect
“I wish I’d made more decisions to prioritise my mental health and state of calm than do something because they seemed like the ‘good mum’ choices. I remember trying to convince Lucy to play quietly on the floor with blocks while I got Ollie to sleep. Or to eat a different highly nutritious meal every night even though she was incredibly fussy. I wish I had just let her watch Peppa Pig while I was dealing with Ollie, and given her more pasta. Our relationship would have suffered less through the process!”
– Lisa, Team Happity
6. Lower Your Expectations/Take Off The Pressure
“Don’t try and do too much or put pressure on yourself. One thing I learnt from baby number one was that babies don’t really follow plans. That’s hard for someone who is a real organiser! So try and take opportunities to do things as and when time, tantrums, feeding etc. allows whether that’s cooking, cleaning or leaving the house to do something.
“Work out your coping strategies. Maybe certain toys or games distract well or getting out of the house at particular times works well. I definitely agree bedtime is a tough part of the day, particularly if you’re doing it solo, so work out a good system and how to approach that. You might need to try a few things until you find something that works, although be aware that will probably change as the kids change too!”
– Sally, Team Happity
7. Leave Loads Of Extra Time
“I realised that one activity a day (e.g. a class, meeting with friends, trip to library, ‘quick’ pop to the shops or a walk) was just about manageable, but to leave loads of time and flexibility and see how the day unfolds. That can feel very liberating.”
– Liz, Team Happity
“Leave a good few hours to get ready to leave the house for even the smallest of trips!”
– Sally, Team Happity
8. Be Prepared To Multitask
“Our youngest needed movement in the pram or car to get her to sleep in the first place for naps. Just holding her and swaying wouldn’t cut it, so I’d have to drag the two-year-old out as well, whatever the weather.”
– Liz, Team Happity
“As Joely will be four and a half years older than her baby sister I’m expecting her to be a big help as she LOVES babies and is very excited to hold and play with her. Bedtime is going to be tricky! I put my daughter to bed every night and still co-sleep so no idea how this one is going to pan out.”
– Lucy, Team Happity
9. Remember Your Eldest Child Is Still Young Too
“It’s quite easy to start seeing your older one as a ‘big girl or boy’ who should know better. You have to keep reminding yourself that they are a child too and can’t regulate their emotions or control their impulses. I think a good way to prepare would be to read a book on exactly what happens in a child’s brain when they get a new sibling. There’s a Sarah Ockwell-Smith one which is supposed to be good. And (this sounds a bit weird) but keep looking at them. Remind yourself how little they are – it’s easy to forget when you’re doing a million other things.”
– Lisa, Team Happity
“I have been chatting to friends and family about the transition from one to two and have been warned that Hugh may revert back with his behaviour and ways and this is completely normal but it soon settles back down.”
– Kate, Team Happity
10. …So Give Your Older Child Lots Of Attention
“There’s definitely something in ‘managing’ the older child a bit so they don’t feel pushed out. My friend sent me a list of dos and don’ts which helped me be more conscious of the relationship between the older sibling and the baby. Getting them involved in looking after the baby was good. We also made sure visitors made plenty of fuss of our older child when they came round.”
– Sally, Team Happity
“People have said that when baby does arrive, guests should always engage with Hugh first so he doesn’t feel pushed out or replaced.”
– Kate, Team Happity
11. …And Avoid ‘Blaming’ Baby
“I have read you should not ‘blame’ baby for why you cannot help or play straight away. So avoid, ‘I can’t play right now as I’m feeding the baby’ or ‘I need to get baby to sleep’.”
– Kate, Team Happity
“Maybe it’s a case of dropping ‘baby’ off the end of the sentence, or saying something positive like ‘I can come and play in a few minutes. Can you get some toys ready?’”
– Liz, Team Happity
12. Double The Work? Try And Double Up On Everything
“I remember a family friend saying, ‘You didn’t tell me it would be double the work with a second one!’ But she went on to have third, so it couldn’t have been all bad.
“While it can feel like a lot of work, I also think you can ‘double up’ to some extent. If you have two close in age, feed them together, bathe them together, find activities they both enjoy. In the long run, I do think it’s good for each child to get a sense of ‘fitting in’ a bit with their sibling or siblings as that can help them adapt to new situations.
“If you’re breastfeeding a baby, use that time to sit and read with your eldest – they can snuggle up next to you on the sofa. Or you can watch them play/chat to them while you’re feeding. If there’s a bigger age gap, involve the second child in the usual daily routine of the first one. Walking to school? Use that as time for your youngest to nap in the pram, or drop in on the park on the way back. Going to an after-school club or activity? This can be precious time spent ambling round town or feeding the ducks with child number two.”
– Liz, Team Happity
13. Trust That You’re More Experienced Than You Think
“As you’ve already gone through all the milestones – sleeping, feeding, jabs, nappies, teething – with one baby already, that really helps as you’re more prepared for what to do with the new baby. I remember thinking with the second, ‘Oh, I remember this from the first time round. We tried x, y, and z.”
– Liz, Team Happity
14. Ditch The Guilt
“You have to ignore some of the parent guilt. There’ll most definitely be times where you have to prioritise one child over the other. This might mean the baby is safe and ok but crying or the toddler is kicking around bored. Remember you don’t have a choice so you can’t feel bad about it. It’s usually only for a short time – although it can feel like forever if you’ve got a crying baby and toddler having a meltdown at the same time.”
– Sally, Team Happity
15. Keep Playing And Stay Positive
“Don’t forget to try and still have fun. If your older child is getting tricky, put on some music or distract them with something fun that you can do. Find things you can all do together. I worked out what I could do one-handed breastfeeding that still felt like I was engaging with my older one. We did a lot of jigsaws and puzzle games.”
– Sally, Team Happity
“As an eternal optimist I always think it’s going to be “ok” but everyone always says what a big adjustment it is having two over one. I luckily have my mum around the corner to help and my husband will have to be on top of his game.”
– Lucy, Team Happity
So there we have Team Happity’s advice. It can definitely feel like a bit of a never ending cycle on some days, but it’s also good to know that with every new milestone the children reach, that this feeling doesn’t last forever. This too shall pass! It will be messy at times, but so is life. Everyone will learn something from whatever happens as you navigate the exhausting, fun, exciting journey from one to two.
Are Kids Happier With More Siblings?
There has been loads of research into what makes children happy. Of course children can be happy with or without siblings and with one, two, or even three or more parental figures.
Some studies say that the number of children makes no difference to educational outcomes or personality, though birth order can sometimes make a slight difference to motivation. Some studies suggest that children can actually be better off as only children . Others look at the long-lasting benefits of positive sibling relationships and what children can learn from conflict resolution.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether you have one, two, three or five children as long as they have love and strong, parental or family relationships. Remember they will have friends, and for some children, friends or cousins can be like siblings too. It’s what they learn from these relationships and interactions (both positive and negative) that counts.
What’s The Ideal Age Gap Between Siblings?
Experts do recommend leaving around 18 months between pregnancies to give your body more time to recover fully . You’re also then less likely to have a preterm birth or low birthweight – particularly if you’re over 35.
Some parents say that three years is a good age gap. It’s close enough that your children will still have similar interests, but not so close that they will want to compete with each other (well, not all the time!) But loads of siblings have just a couple of years between them and get on well doing similar activities as they grow up together.
Research has shown that a gap of around two-and-a-half years can be beneficial for both children. A gap of four or five years (or more) is also really common. Check here for all the pros and cons of different age gaps. But try not to overthink it!
Your child will always have same-age peers at school to do things with, so don’t worry if you haven’t had a second baby at the time you expected. The majority of parents can’t choose anyway – families come in all shapes and sizes and no one size fits all.
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