What does separation anxiety look like in your baby or toddler (and what can you do about it)?
It is hard to see your little one upset, and you might be uncomfortable leaving your baby with someone else while they are crying. We’ve been there, and know the struggle! If you are the main care giver, your little one will be very used to being close to you. For some babies, from around 6 -7 months (although this can vary a great deal) you may see they are starting to show signs of separation anxiety. This is nothing to worry about, and is a very normal and expected part of their development. It shows they have a very strong bond to you which is healthy, but knowing this does not always make it any easier when you have a crying baby.
Let’s look at some signs of separation anxiety and what we, as mums ourselves, have tried.
What Does Separation Anxiety Look Like In A Baby?
Some babies become clingy or unsettled when their main care giver leaves them with another person. Or if they think they are being left with someone, they may not be happy about being cuddled by someone else. If you are visiting a relative’s house together, it could be that they get agitated thinking they are going to be left even when they are not. Your little one may cry, be fussy or act fearful, these are all signs of separation anxiety.
What Does Separation Anxiety Look Like In Toddlers?
Some babies grow out of separation anxiety by the time they are one or two years old, but for some this will be a lot earlier or later. Even then there may still be the occasional sign they are not happy about you leaving. The behaviour of an anxious toddler will be similar to that of a baby, with them possibly clinging to you or crying.
Is It OK To Leave A Crying Toddler?
Your baby or toddler will be fine at their childcare setting, or with your friend or relative who is caring for them today. It is hard, but it is good to put on a brave face yourself and tell your little one it is ok and you will be back later. Even if they are still crying when you leave them, know they will be ok and you can check with the nursery staff/ your relative later for an update if that makes you feel better. Don’t let your little one’s tears delay you leaving, a drawn out goodbye is harder than a quick one!
Can Separation Anxiety Be Fixed?
There are some things we have tried, to not necessarily fix, but ease separation anxiety in your family. These 8 tips may be worth a try if you are currently dealing with Separation Anxiety in your household.
1. Start With Short Amounts Of Time Away
This can start as early as when they are tiny babies, if you play games like Peekaboo, they will see that you disappear but always come back. If possible, when you leave them at childcare or with a relative for the first time, make this an hour or two so they get used to being away from you, knowing that you will come back when you say you will.
2. Don’t Sneak Away
Once your baby is old enough to know that you are going, it is best to tell them you are going but they are going to have fun at nursery/ with Grandma etc.
3. But Also Don’t Drag Out Your Exit
Don’t go too far the other way and stay too long after it is clear you are leaving. This may make your baby think you might change your mind, or that where they are being left is not safe. If you confidently leave them, they will see you trust those they are with, so in the end they will trust them too.
4. Put On A Happy Face
Even if you are feeling anxious yourself, this can be tricky, but smile and say goodbye showing you are confident they will be ok without you for a little while.
5. Say When You Are Coming Back
Even if they are too young to understand, get in the habit of telling them when you will be back. Say you will be back after lunch, or after nap time, to give them an idea of what will happen.
6. Make Sure Your Little One Is Fed And Has Had A Nap
Everything is harder when you are tired and hungry. Your little one will find it a lot harder being in a new place or with different people if they need a snack.
7. Leave Them With A Favourite Toy
Give them something familiar like a toy they love, or even their special jumper, something that is important to them to give them a sense of comfort.
8. Know They Will Be Ok, But It Is Still Fine To Check In
Leaving your child is an important part of their development and will grow their independence as they get older. Know they will be fine at their childcare setting or with your relative. Still, at first you may want to phone the nursery later to ask them how your little one is doing, or text your relative for an update. But don’t try to speak to your baby until you are back to collect them in case it confuses them.
What To Do About Separation Anxiety At Bedtime?
It can be hard when your baby shows signs of separation anxiety at night, but remember that this is a phase that will pass. Your baby might cry when they wake up in the night and find you are not there, or be nervous about going to bed. It is good to have a bedtime routine, so they know what to expect. Things like bath time, pyjamas, story or songs before a kiss and cuddle goodnight means they will understand that now it is time to go to sleep.
If they do wake up crying for you, it is ok to go and reassure them that you are not far away. Some parents stroke and hug their baby without picking them up, giving them a chance to nod off again in their cot. Or if it works better for you, pick them up for a cuddle. They will learn that it is ok for them to be in their room alone as you are nearby.
Separation Anxiety In Your Baby And Toddler – Expert Advice
We have been through these experiences as mums ourselves, but we are not healthcare professionals. If you have any particular concerns or want more advice, your Health Visitor can help. You should be able to contact your local Health Visitor Team by email or phone to talk to them, and maybe get an appointment if you need to.
You can also read this NHS’s guide on separation anxiety in babies and children.
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