Are you a new parent who’s ever suffered from intrusive thoughts? Learning what they are and how normal they can be is often the first step in managing these thoughts and reassuring yourself that all is well.
We’re joined by Kate Sheppard, a mum of two, who’s here to explain what intrusive thoughts are and how you can manage them as a new parent.
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What Are Intrusive Thoughts?
An intrusive thought is a thought which suddenly pops into your head without warning. These thoughts can be linked to the feeling of your baby being in harm’s way or danger, even when they’re perfectly safe. When new parents have intrusive thoughts, it can feel scary. You might worry that your thoughts are a sign there is something wrong with you. However, intrusive thoughts are just that – thoughts. They are not an indicator of your deep, hidden desires. You are still a great parent.
While intrusive thoughts can be extremely distressing, unfortunately the more you try to bury them the more difficult they become to manage.
Below I discuss intrusive thoughts and their prevalence among new parents, as well as practical tips that will help.
Why Do Intrusive Thoughts Happen?
According to the NHS, “A recent study of new mothers showed that 100 per cent of new mums had worrying thoughts about their baby being harmed accidentally and 50 per cent had worrying thoughts about harming their baby in some way.”
Whether you are pregnant or in the early days of postpartum, it’s typical that you feel an overwhelming desire to protect your child. For most new parents, it’s an instinct that’s seemingly hardwired into their brain.
However, this can lead to an increased stress response as you navigate the many dangers present in the outside world; did you turn the oven off before leaving the house? What if a car veers off the road onto the sidewalk? What if the buggy slips out of your grasp on a steep hill? And so many more.
While intrusive thoughts are normal among new parents, they can appear seemingly out of nowhere and can be incredibly distressing.
Remember this scene from Friends where baby Emma is locked in the apartment, and Rachel begins to imagine every worse-case possible scenario? It’s done for comedy effect but it’s an example of how thoughts can take over reality.
What Else Can Contribute To Intrusive Postpartum Thoughts?
Intrusive thoughts postpartum can be the result of everything from hormone changes and sleep deprivation to lack of support and increased stress. More often than not, they can also be a symptom of pre-existing mental health conditions. Two of the most common of these conditions are:
1. Depression and Anxiety
If you had depression or anxiety before having a baby, it’s likely you will experience worsening symptoms during pregnancy and/or postpartum. According to Olivia Marcellino, VP of Research at Recovery.com, “Pregnancy can cause postnatal depression, due to a sudden change in hormones, stress, and sleep deprivation after birth. Between 10-20% of new mothers develop depression.”
Intrusive thoughts after birth are common in women with a previous diagnosis of depression and anxiety. This can result in Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders that make the symptoms of intrusive thoughts worse.
2. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder) affects many people and consists of recurring thoughts, images, sensations, and impulses that feel like they are out of your control. These feelings drive you to act out repetitive compulsions, such as excessive handwashing, tapping, blinking, and more as a way to feel in control of your symptoms.
OCD jumps dramatically for many new parents with a previous diagnosis. This jump is often the result of a lack of sleep, increased stress, and changes in hormone levels.
For new parents who are struggling with their mental health at this time, Karen Kleiman, psychotherapist and founder of The Postpartum Stress Center encourages new parents that, “Postpartum depression and anxiety are very treatable. No matter what your symptoms are. No matter how bad you feel. No matter how high your distress is […] What matters is that you get the help you need.”
How to Manage Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts
If you are struggling with postpartum intrusive thoughts, there are steps you can take to manage and eventually overcome them.
1. Identify Your Triggers – Manage Intrusive Thoughts As A New Parent
Intrusive thoughts are often spoken about through the lens of mental health. However, for many new parents intrusive thoughts arise from feelings of anger.
Whether it’s the middle of the night and your baby won’t stop crying or you’re struggling with extreme exhaustion, how you’re feeling can create the ‘perfect storm’ for intrusive thoughts to appear.
2. Ask For Practical Support Where Possible – Manage Intrusive Thoughts As A New Parent
So, what can you do? If you’re struggling with intrusive thoughts regularly, this is a sign you need support. Whether you need to organise a family member to cook dinner once a week or drive you to and from your doctor’s appointments, having help is a game-changer for new parents.
3. Take A Breather – Manage Intrusive Thoughts As A New Parent
If you don’t have any help around you, don’t worry; you’ve still got this. If you’re struggling with feelings of anger or frustration, there is nothing wrong with putting your baby down in a safe space (like their cot) and taking a few minutes away from them to breathe deeply and regulate your emotions.
This simple practice can make a big difference in how you’re feeling and help to keep those intrusive thoughts at bay. Here’s more on how you can manage your emotions as a new parent.
4. Remember They’re Just Thoughts – Manage Intrusive Thoughts As A New Parent
Just because you think something doesn’t mean you will act on it. However, in the case of intrusive thoughts, it is highly unlikely that you will. Therefore, when you’re experiencing intrusive thoughts the best thing to do is to separate your feelings from the facts.
When experiencing intrusive thoughts, remind yourself they are just thoughts – not threats. Remembering this during tough moments can be extremely useful, helping to rationalise how you are feeling, even in the midst of postpartum exhaustion.
5. Share Your Worries With Someone You Care About
New parenthood brings with it many joys and challenges. However, it can also introduce you to a whole new world of loneliness. Research by the Guardian suggests that in the UK “80-90% of new mothers feel lonely. One study found that 43% of mothers under the age of 30 in the UK felt lonely all the time. […] Loneliness, unsurprisingly, can lead to mental illness [and is] a key risk factor for perinatal depression.”
This is your encouragement to share your worries with a trusted friend or family member or other new parents. You will be amazed at the emotional validation that comes from hearing other people’s and parents’ experiences.
6. Share Your Experiences With Other New Parents – Manage Intrusive Thoughts As A New Parent
When you experience intrusive thoughts you can feel scared to share these with other new parents, out of fear they might judge you or report you. This fear only further isolates you from the community and the support you really need.
Many parenting support groups are available where you can meet new parents and start developing those relationships. Remember: sharing with others isn’t a weakness, it is a strength and your vulnerability (although scary in the moment) can go a long way towards helping other new parents with their struggles, too.
When You Should See a Doctor – Manage Intrusive Thoughts As A New Parent
While intrusive thoughts are a common experience for new parents and you are not alone, it’s important to reach out to your doctor if you are worried. Rest assured that your doctor will not take your baby away from you because you’re having intrusive thoughts. Instead, they will work with you to provide the help you need.
We hope the advice we’ve shared in this article helps you in your postpartum journey.
Kate Sheppard is a mum of two who loves to share insights about the joys and challenges of parenting. When she’s not spending time with her family, you’ll find her exploring the countryside. Connect with Kate on X: @KateSheppard90.
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