How do you help children understand their tears and regulate their emotions without making them feel like they aren’t allowed to feel things? We’re joined by Vinny Ferguson from AlI Included to give his best personal tips on how to help your little ones manage their tears.
You’re Not Alone In This
As a dad of three small humans (4, 8 and 11), I’ve had my fair share of emotional moments with my children. Each day brings new challenges and joys, especially when it comes to understanding and supporting them during tough times. Which can range from having issues at school, to coping when we have run out of porridge.
I have the pleasure of working with children and their families every day. This experience has deepened my understanding of the importance of providing emotional support. For the adults I work with, as well as the children!
Children rely on big people to show them the way of the world. Without recognising our own emotional responses and behaviours, it’s very difficult to support our wee people with theirs. I’ve often looked around for a grown-up to help me out, then suddenly realised I am the grown-up!
Start By Questioning Why Your Children’s Tears Are Happening Before Trying To Manage Them
We all express emotions in various ways. Tears, anger, withdrawal, and smiling are all common behaviours, but they can distract us from what’s really going on. It’s crucial to recognise that these emotions are very real for the kid and often stem from them feeling overwhelmed, worried or unsure of their place in the world. Instead of reacting with frustration or dismissal, try to take a moment (life isn’t a race. Most of the time, we can do this), and reflect on what the emotional response is really about. That should change how you react to what you are seeing.
We need to let our children know that it’s okay to feel upset or frustrated. They see us do it every day. So why are we so quick to dismiss, criticise and even punish their emotional responses? As long as the behaviour is not physically harming anyone, we can tell them that it’s all going to be fine in the long run. You are here for them when they’re ready.
Offer Comfort And Regulation
Once you’ve listened to and validated their feelings, it’s time to offer comfort. This might look different for each child. Some may prefer a hug, while others might find security in their own space for a while. In these instances, I would encourage the adult to try and reconnect with the child after a period of time. It might be the next day, so don’t rush it. When things have calmed down, you can speak to them about what happened, and how you can work together to make it a bit better next time. You can even observe them and find out what works best for your child and offer that support consistently.
As children begin to navigate their emotions, it’s essential to equip them with coping strategies. Franchises like Mind Marvels are so good at promoting this kind of support for big and wee people. Check out some of their social media posts for wee tips. Not every child will buy into this, no matter how hard you try, so be responsive to their needs, and again be self-aware. How can you calm yourself after an emotional response? Or better yet, how can you be proactive so that your responses aren’t as explosive?
Build Awareness And Take Control
In both my professional life and at home, I try (and often fail) to create a calm and consistent environment that will help children manage their tears. With my own kids, and my team, we chat about feelings and emotions which can help to promote positive emotional health, as well as building trusting and genuine relationships. It can really have an impact on how those people then respond to others. It’s like a big, fluffy, supportive domino run.
There is a lot of tension and confusion around the world at the moment, and because of our constant exposure to the news these days, we cannot help but be affected by it.
But we can take control of our own emotional responses as parents, carers and educators of our wee people. They are going to be running this place someday, and how nice will it be if we have a whole generation who can not only reflect on their own emotions but be sympathetic and supportive of others.
Thanks To Vinny – All Included
With over a decade of experience of working with children and young people with additional support needs, Vinny has established All Included to help create a more accessible and inclusive world.
Away from his business, he is a Depute Headteacher in a Scottish school, a dad to three kids and a husband to an ever-suffering wife.
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