Parenting, and often mum thinking, carries with it its own maternal mental load. What do I give my baby today for a healthy snack? Can I begin to prepare dinner/exercise/pay a bill while the baby (and possibly toddler) nap? Or should I be booking that first baby swim class? The list can often feel endless. But is there anything we can do as mums to help relieve the maternal mental load or even redistribute it?
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What Is The Mental Load?
A cartoon was circulating a few years ago which goes some way to explaining a possible gender gap in organising, managing and executing household tasks. In it, the woman finds herself consumed by a seemingly endless cycle of tasks, as well as having to think about what needs to be done in the first place. This starts with the simple task of clearing the table but leads to a chain of jobs which last two hours. In contrast, she asks her partner to clear the table and he just, well, clears the table. He doesn’t notice all the other little jobs in the vicinity. Job done.
Presumably, he can’t understand why such a task could take his partner half the morning. Equally, she can’t understand why he wouldn’t instinctively do the extra jobs that popped up for her while clearing the table. Or why it’s up to her to ask him to clear the table in the first place. The cartoon explores the historical and societal reasons for this mental load, which is also known as cognitive labour.
Why Mums Often Feel The Pressure Of The Mental Load
Perhaps – regardless of gender – some people really are inclined to ‘compartmentalise’ things more. If asked to ‘put the plates in the dishwasher’, they’ll do just that. They won’t put away the clean pots and pans airing on the draining rack, or do the hand washing-up or drying, change the teatowel or refill the salt compartment. But certainly when we become mums, a lot of people find they’re constantly thinking and planning, even if they weren’t before. Of course, being on maternity leave leads to even more things to remember to organise – from feeding and clothes to washing and finances. If and when a mum goes back to work, they often still manage all these other tasks as well. This can feel ‘easier’ than explaining it all to someone else.
What Can The Maternal Mental Load Look Like In Practice?
Imagine you’re about to wash your baby’s clothes. But while putting the washing into the machine, you realise you’re nearly out of washing powder. So you start to make a shopping list. You have vouchers to use next time you go shopping and you hunt for those. While digging through the pile of papers on the side, you realise there is unopened post. So you deal with that and file it away – once you’ve paid the water bill. There are a couple more emails you need to reply to, then you go back to the washing machine. There’s a pile of clean washing still in the basket, which you hang up to air. Now the baby’s woken up from their nap and needs a feed. What started as a 10-minute ‘do the washing’ task has actually taken half the morning. Sound familiar?
And that’s not forgetting all the other things we meant to do that morning – book that baby class or start researching nurseries. Is it any wonder that mums often feel burnt-out? Let’s also remember mums who are neurodiverse, have ADHD, executive functioning disorder or are suffering from PND. Here, planning tasks can often feel like an extra challenge anyway.
So what can we do as mums to begin to alleviate the maternal mental load?
What Can I Do To Relieve The Maternal Mental Load?
1. Write Down And Externalise Your Mental Load
The mental load is exactly that – it’s internalised. So perhaps to begin to relieve it, we need to externalise and write it down. As parents Chloe and Stuart say in this article, where they share their humorous but realistic take on a mental load swap experiment, writing it down may feel counterintuitive, but your partner is not a mind reader. They may otherwise not grasp the extent of all the decisions you have to make, or you theirs. So grab a piece of paper or list app on your phone and write down all the tiny decisions you are thinking about in your head right here, right now. Like Chloe and John point out, being open and transparent about the decisions you have to make everyday can help you work out how to share some of this mental load.
2. Agree To Share The Mental Load
Work out a balance where you and your partner can share more of the mental load. Perhaps you can take on one or two of their tasks in return. This could look something like one of you looking after the swim classes and routine (delete the other parent from the emailing system) while the other sorts out playdates and family outings. You can split bedtime duty so one of you does the bathtime, hairwash and nail cutting, while the other does bedtime stories and songs. There might be certain days of the week where your partner prepares (and plans) tea, while you take on other days. Or whoever plans the meals also does the shopping, meaning the other parent can just cook.
There’s never going to be a one-size-fits-all approach so this may take some trial and error. In case you’re wondering, at the end of the mental load swap experiment dad Stuart realises, “I am glad to be returning to my more chore-centric existence, but with an increased appreciation that doing more is different to thinking more.”
If you don’t have a partner, work out where you can cut down on the amount of decisions you need to make in day-to-day life and maybe recruit some help from your wider support network. This could be friends, family, people you’ve connected with through NCT classes or friends you’ve made at baby classes.
3. Use A Planner Or Organiser That Works For You
Hang family calendars or whiteboards up on the wall and use them so everyone can see what’s going on. Some calendars have columns, one for each member of the family, so it’s easy to add playdates, classes and appointments. Or use routine cards with pictures for young children to understand. Some families use Google Calendars. While this can work for adults who have phones, that can create the additional mental load task of having to keep checking and updating your phone. So go old-fashioned with a large wall chart if you’re trying to avoid extra noise and notifications from mobile phones. Wall charts are more visual for the whole family (including any grandparents or people popping by to help).
Perhaps you have somewhere central for a shopping list which you can just add to when something runs out. Some people use black chalk paint on the inside of a kitchen cupboard so they can write on what they need to buy as soon as they notice it.
4. Routinise As Much As Possible – Reduce Your Maternal Mental Load
Barack Obama famously wore either grey or blue suits to cut out the decision of what to wear each morning. While it may sound drastic, the principle is sound. If you remove unnecessary small decisions by making the decision in advance, you have more mental energy to focus on the day ahead and other, bigger decisions that may crop up.
So if you can routinise your days to cut down on decision-making and decision fatigue, go for it. This could be something as simple as a list on the wall or calendar. Mondays – laundry. Tuesdays – baby class and buy food on the way home. Wednesdays – playdate with other mums. Thursdays – swimming. Fridays – go to the library/do a bigger food shop in the evening. Saturday – family time, gardening and DIY. Sunday – relax/lunch with friends or family.
The systemisation example above is basic, but by you/your partner doing certain things on certain days every week, you can take away the mental load of having to even think about it.
5. Declutter Your Space – Reduce Your Maternal Mental Load
It’s amazing how much a decluttered or disorganised space can impact your mental load. Even looking round a room which needs sorting out – what experts call visual clutter – can trigger your brain into trying to make all sorts of little decisions. Exactly the sort of maternal mental load stuff you’re trying to avoid! It can be really difficult to keep up with everyday jobs, let alone declutter a room, when you have a baby, toddler or small child in tow. So this is one you’ll probably have to do in stages – or something you and your partner can work on together. Take a surface, drawer or small area of a room at a time. Even 10 minutes can make a real difference.
To avoid things piling up in the first place, try the technique of having a ‘drop zone’ in different rooms. As Cora Gold explains in her article about home organisation, this could be boxes in the lounge for toys, something by the door for bags and shoes etc.
6. Ask For And Accept Help – Reduce Your Maternal Mental Load
If you have a support network of friends and family, try to use it. If a grandparent is offering to do a school or nursery pick-up, once a week, why not take them up on their offer? This can help add routine for you and your child, and some breathing space for you. Perhaps there’s a certain day or night of the week where you feel you are trying to juggle so many things. Maybe a relative or friend could cook a meal, or bring some leftovers. Often people want to help but don’t know how, so giving them ownership of something can be really beneficial for both of you.
7. Practise Routine-Shadowing
If you’re worried about the ‘handover’ of a childcare routine to a partner or grandparent, why not invite them to shadow you for a part of the day? This will avoid you having to remember to tell them everything/write a long list of instructions. Say you want someone different to pick up your toddler from nursery, ask this person to come with you the day or week before. They’ll learn where the gate is and where to meet the teachers. They’ll also learn the route home (if you’re walking) and the post-nursery routine (perhaps a quick play at the park, a snack, a nap, a craft).
8. Let It Go – Reduce Your Maternal Mental Load
Give yourself permission to let go of the maternal mental load. If your parents have taken care of your children before, try and trust that they will know what to do. And if something unusual crops up, they will ring you.
Maybe give yourself a ‘decision-free day’ (or two) every week where you actively push aside any big decision making. Leave it for another, designated day. If you find this hard, grab a pen and paper to jot down what’s on your mind. Then physically put it to one side.
9. Set Boundaries Around Mobile Phone Use
Having constant notifications popping up on your phone can add to background distractions and add to your maternal mental load. You may half-read every message long before you actually get around to replying as you’re doing something else. But the thought will be at the back of your mind as it’s natural to want to ‘close the loop’ by responding. So turn off those notifications, set a social media app timer and try to only check your phone at certain times of the day. Really hard, we know, but it can get easier with practice.
10. Practise Self Care – Reduce Your Maternal Mental Load
Carve out some time for you every day. This could be a brisk walk (with buggy in tow if needed), Pilates or yoga session, meditation or running. It’s amazing how decompressing it can feel to get out of the house and into nature. If you have childcare during the day, or your partner can look after things in the evening, see if you can get out for a regular class or meet with a mum friend. Again try to make this a routine time so it becomes part of your weekly schedule. You’ll be more likely to stick to it this way.
Some mums find writing in a diary or journal therapeutic. Try this one-line-a-day diary, which is quick to fill in, and can also help reduce some of that mental noise. The act of regular writing will help externalise your thoughts.
11. Attend A Baby Or Toddler Class – Reduce Your Maternal Mental Load
Having that regular time with your baby or toddler in an organised but relaxed setting can help relieve pressure. Use our Happity class finder to avoid searching through multiple sites. Once you’re at your class, this can be a great place to just be with your child in the moment. Add in the other parents you meet there for casual chat and you may have just discovered another place to help alleviate that maternal mental load. Try and walk to your baby class if you can for some of that all-important sleep-regulating daylight. Maybe tag on a trip to the park, coffee with other mums or something on the way home.
12. Practise Saying ‘No’ And Set Your Own Boundaries
It’s absolutely fine to say ‘no’ and set boundaries around you and your family’s time. Try not to overthink these decisions. Perhaps it’s a case of you replying to your own family while your partner responds to theirs. Again, this is something you can decide when you set your own expectations for how to share the mental load.
Disclaimer: Here at Happity we’re not mental load experts. However, a lot of us are mums and have experienced the maternal mental load first-hand. We’ve also done as much research as we can into this topic to bring you a balanced view.
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