I think any mum with a baby could tell you that sleep deprivation is real. It is a part of the reality of parenting, and it’s no surprise at all that it is used as a torture method in many countries…
How often have you started your day with nowhere near enough sleep? And have you ever lied to other parents about just how much sleep you got?
Young parents often feel embarrassed about feeling sleep deprived and exhausted, but it’s not something we should be ashamed about! A lot of us have been there.
Katy Halliday is a mum of two, a registered social worker, a trained sleep consultant and founder of Cowleaze Child Consultancy. She has shared with us her experiences with sleep deprivation and what lead her to decide to train as a sleep consultant. Thanks, Katy!
Who needs sleep? Life is far too busy
I have been doing a lot of reading about sleep recently. As a mum with a 5 month old and a nearly 3 year old, you could imagine (like most parents) I am pretty obsessed with sleep. What I am reading is illuminating, but it is hardly surprising.
I think any mum could tell you that sleep deprivation with a baby is real. It’s a part of the reality of parenting. It’s no surprise at all that it is used as a torture method in many countries.
Who hasn’t stood at their baby’s cot at 3am promising their soul to any deity, universe, or mother earth in exchange for a few more hours of precious sleep? I know that I am probably likely to be smited any day now after I reneged on the charity marathon/ sponsored silence (literal impossibility for me)/ soup kitchen volunteering that I had used as a bargaining chip in my desperation.
In this consumer day and age of “more” and our commodity driven lives, we have to sacrifice something. That something, we are told, is sleep. We need to work longer hours to have the lifestyle we want, go to the gym to maintain healthy bodies, spend time socialising to ensure our emotional wellbeing, take our children to multiple activities and clubs in order to progress their development, spend time on our appearance so that nobody suspects that we are actually exhausted.
With only 24 hours in a day, sleep gets shoved to the side-lines. We are in bed later, up much earlier and as parents we are up multiple times per night. Sleep gets sacrificed, but at what cost?
My own little sleep thief
Here’s an interesting statistic. When interviewed by Netmum’s, 64% of parents said they lie to other people about how much sleep they are getting. There is so much shame around not being able to get your child to sleep. It’s so unnecessary. But my own story echo’s this, and I can relate to every one of those parents.
I went back to work when Daniel was 9 months old. I couldn’t wait to get back, to be honest, as it meant human interaction which had been severely lacking during a lockdown with a small baby. By this point he was up almost every hour at night. I would breastfeed him back to sleep in his nursing chair before wearily creeping back to my bed to wait on edge for the next wake. I would then go to work and try to make clear and informed decisions on serious and high-profile social work cases. Not to mention working the long and demanding hours…
Routines that involve a baby & sleep deprivation can’t last forever
This went on for a whole year, except Daniel exchanged the breast for a bottle. By the time he was nearly 2, I was at breaking point. I didn’t feel like I could tell anyone at work as, although I had an uber understanding bosses about being a parent, I was a senior social work manager. Apparently that meant I was supposed to know all about how to parent my child perfectly. Social work mum shame is exponential!
I was also pregnant with number 2 and was so sick that without warning I used to daily projectile and coat any random area of our house that I was standing in. Daniel eventually would only go back to sleep if I took him into the spare bed with me.
I was dealing with this all myself so I didn’t have to manage my husband on a lack of sleep too. I love my husband dearly but he turns into some sort of irrational, impossible man-ogre if he doesn’t get his 8 hours. It is easier to leave him with his ear plugs in. So there was me, exhausted, pregnant and at breaking point. I knew my friend had used a sleep consultant to “sleep train” their baby. Cynical though I was, I decided to explore it.
What I found blew me away. I could pay for a sleep consultant to guide me through a bespoke programme with Daniel that didn’t involve leaving him coldly alone in a room in distress, but instead teaching him gently how to soothe himself to sleep in the evening and then back to sleep if he woke in the night. It was revolutionary. He slept through the night within a couple of days. It has changed us as a family beyond measure.
Sleep is for the sensible and sane
Stanley Coren in his book ‘Sleep thieves’ records that several of the world’s most dramatic disasters have been found to be as a result of sleep deprivation, including the Chernobyl disaster and Apollo 13. 20% of road traffic accidents are caused by sleep deprivation (It is probably more but it is difficult to measure).
Sacrificing sleep has a dangerous cost. Add to that the neuroscientists are discovering that sleep is the most important function that your body can undertake for a healthy and extended life -it becomes clear that we need to think about this more. For children, a full night’s sleep is essential for their physical, social, emotional and academic development. What parent would not want to give them a full advantage in that area?
I believe so much in the necessity of sleep now for myself and for both my children that I want to help other struggling parents in the position I found myself in. So I looked into adding to my social work training and I have trained with Baby Sleep the Night. I’m now a qualified sleep consultant, running my own business and loving life.
I have come to realise that feeling shamed into hiding my sleep deprivation while being a mummy to a baby or little one helped nobody. The best thing I can do for my children (and for myself) is to prioritise developing their sleeping skills, like I would any other developmental milestone.
We’d love to hear from you. This Is Family is all about sharing family stories – especially from families who feel like their voices are not often heard. Every family has a unique story to tell. We’d love to hear yours. Find out how you can feature on our blog and get involved. So that other parents can feel less alone.
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