Prioritising motherhood is often misconstrued as unambitious, traditional or anti-feminist. None of this is true, but the associated stigma hits hard. Feminism, at its core, is about choice. Pausing paid work to enjoy and focus on motherhood is an empowered choice.
We’re joined by mum and newsletter editor from Mothers at Home Matter, Adele, who’s here to share her story about why she believes the narrative around ‘stay-at-home’ mums needs to change. She explains the challenges she’s faced navigating her own role and self-identity as a mother – and why parenting is so transformative. So read on for an empowering take on motherhood and identity.
How It All Started
My journey to motherhood was completely unexpected. It began with a chance encounter meeting my husband while we were both climbing Mount Kilimanjaro at the same time. I was a Master’s degree student in the UK, struggling to determine what I really wanted to be when I grew up, despite being almost thirty. He was a pilot in the US military, stationed in Germany.
We got married and relocated to the US, putting more effort into planning future travelling and adventures than into potential future children. It was very much a ‘one day’ approach to starting a family. He then went on to deploy (unexpectedly) to Afghanistan for an 8-month tour. It was a week or so into this that I realised I was pregnant (also unexpectedly!). Thankfully, he made it back just in time for the birth of our daughter.
The Love I Have As A Mother
Her arrival transformed my world. I was completely taken aback by the intensity of my love for her. I knew that this tiny little being needed me, but I also needed her. She was absolutely brilliant, amazing and mesmerising. I couldn’t believe my luck that I got to be here on this planet at the same time as her.
Since then, we have been fortunate enough to have two more children (they are currently seven, three, and one.) We have lived in three different locations during this time and may move again in the next year. While military life and frequent moves have had their challenges, I’ve been lucky enough to meet many other mums along the way in many different places. It’s shown me how much we share common experiences and face similar challenges, and how these challenges can impact our sense of identity and, consequently, our mental health.
Why The Narrative Around ‘Stay-At-Home Mums’ Needs To Change
The term ‘stay-at-home mum’ feels outdated; we need to rewrite the narrative.
Despite feeling strongly about wanting to take time away from work to be with my children, I still had trouble identifying myself as a ‘stay-at-home mum’. It seemed outdated and reductive. When people inevitably asked me, “What do you do?” I felt like I had to give a mini explainer every time. What I’m doing IS work; it just happens to be unpaid. It’s funny how when we outsource the work we do, i.e. to childcare, it becomes a respectable and recognised job. In a world that increasingly values productivity and profit above all else, motherhood is an unseen economy. However, our care work has economic value that goes unmeasured.
Untangling Success And Worth
In the early days of motherhood, I often felt the need to prove my worth and justify my decision to take a break from paid work. My life before becoming a mum had very clear (and visible) success metrics. The most important things we do in parenting are often invisible and hard to quantify: love, warmth, compassion, encouragement, stories read, puddles jumped in… I came to realise that all too often, we try to define success in parenting by arbitrary things, such as our children being good eaters or sleepers, or them just being a particularly chilled-out individual.
What we fail to recognise is that so much of this is out of our control. Perhaps the best way we can help our children thrive is just by encouraging them to grow into exactly the person they’re meant to be. Whether our children sleep through the night or not does not reflect upon us personally. It’s not indicative of the effectiveness of our parenting. A toddler having a tantrum in public doesn’t mean we are doing something wrong. It’s hard not to take it personally when people are staring, or we feel that they are staring. In reality, most people are engrossed in their own lives and barely notice. If you need further reassurance here, Google ‘The Spotlight Effect’.
In her novel ‘Madwoman’, Chelsea Bieker opens by saying, ‘The world is not made for mothers, yet mothers made the world. The world is not made for children, yet children are the future.’ It’s a sentiment with which many of us can probably relate, regardless of our current family dynamics or paid work situation. We have a long way to go culturally in accepting children in their natural, often messy, loud and energetic state!
Motherhood And Feminism
Prioritising motherhood is often misconstrued as unambitious, traditional or anti-feminist. None of this is true, but the associated stigma hits hard. Feminism, at its core, is about choice. Pausing paid work to enjoy and focus on motherhood is an empowered choice. We all want what is best for our families, and there is no one right way or path to achieve that. However, the expectations placed on mums to be fully present both at home and at work create an impossible predicament. We are told to put our children first, yet at the same time not let having children ‘hold us back’.
The societal systems we exist in contribute significantly to many maternal mental health issues and feelings such as loneliness and burnout. The problem is not our children. Mothers need a support system; we were never supposed to do this alone.
Language Matters: You Are Not ‘Just A Mum’.
Sociologist Dr Sophie Brock writes extensively about navigating modern motherhood and how when we view raising our children as important work and highlight that it matters, we elevate the status of motherhood. Instead of referring to ourselves as ‘just a mum’ we can talk about the value and contribution of caring for our children and how it has purpose and meaning. We need to rethink language that undermines what we do. Change starts at the individual level, and it begins with our own internal dialogue. Neha Ruch of Mother Untitled also has a wealth of resources for anyone looking to do a deeper dive.
Who we are is defined by our character, not our career. Similarly, our identity is not solely defined by being a mother; we need and deserve to be fully rounded humans with our own interests and pursuits. When the narrative is about polarisation: staying home versus working and the virtues and drawbacks of both, we lose sight of the bigger picture and oversimplify a complex and nuanced issue. All mums work, and parenting, while undeniably challenging, is also profoundly rewarding, fulfilling, and transformative.
Why Childhood Is So Important
In the grand scheme of things, childhood really is such a short window, and we cannot go back and reclaim these moments once they have passed. There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. Enjoy this time and find strength in knowing that what you are doing is valuable. It matters. You are making a difference.
Mum of three Adele, a Brit currently living in the US, is newsletter editor at Mothers at Home Matter (MAHM). Before taking a break to focus on motherhood, she worked in Early Years education in Australia and the UK.
Mothers at Home Matter is a voice and support for mums wanting the choice to be based at home to care for their kids. MAHM campaign for an economic-level playing field for parents who stay at home, representing their voice in policy debates. Mothers at Home Matter promote research to enable a better understanding of children’s developmental need for loving and consistent care. They are non-partisan and represent a diverse group of mothers and fathers across the UK.
Find Mothers at Home Matter on Instagram: @mothers_at_home_matter or on their website.
We’d love to hear from you. This Is Family is all about sharing family stories. Especially from families who feel like their voices are not often heard. Every family has a unique story to tell. We’d love to hear yours. Find out how you can feature on our blog and get involved. So that other parents can feel less alone.
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