Did you know there are certain parenting habits that are quite straightforward to subtly change? And that some of your current parenting practices might actually have the opposite effect of what you want, holding your child back rather than helping them forwards? If you’ve read Becca’s recent blog about Growth Mindset, you might already be thinking about what you can do to help your child believe they can achieve – and that it’s OK to make mistakes. But what other changes could you make?
We’re joined once more by Becca from The Noisy Book Club who’s here to share how you can change your parenting habits to encourage your child to be even more resilient when faced with a challenge.
Why Are My Parenting Habits So Important?
Imagine that your child tries something – building a tower, opening a jar, counting to five. You feel delighted. You’re so proud of what this tiny little person has achieved, and in awe.
How do you respond? Wow you got it right. That’s perfect. You are so clever!
Of course you do. You are chuffed for them and you want to transfer some of that excitement to them so they feel great too, and feel proud of themselves!
Now, I’m not here to shame anyone. But as a teacher of ten plus years’ experience, I want to let you know that your well-intended, loving words might be impacting your child in a way you haven’t foreseen.
In this blog I’m going to explore some of the ways we as parents can have the opposite effect to our intentions. It’s not about blame; it’s about productively thinking about what little steps we can take to shift some of this. Here are five things to avoid, and how we can change our parenting habits to foster resilience and confidence instead.
1. Overpraising The Outcome Instead Of The Effort
‘You’re so clever, you opened the box.’
We praise kids like this because we want them to feel great about themselves. It seems only natural that a success should be celebrated, and surely it will encourage our kids in the right direction. It’ll make them want to keep trying at everything in life. Right?
Maybe not. What can end up happening, instead, is that kids become afraid of failing. If they are used to being praised only for getting things right or being perfect, that can become the only option for them. The fallout? Children might start to avoid activities or give up if there’s a hint of challenge and a threat to immediate success.
Luckily, there is something we can do to counteract these messages today; focusing on the process.
‘I love how you kept trying to open that lid even though it was quite tricky.’
2. Stepping In Too Quickly To Fix Problems – Parenting Habits To Change
We’re sort of programmed to help our kids when they are struggling. When they are tiny babies, and they start crying, it’s literally our job to jump to attention. As they get older, we step back and give them more space to learn, but I think we’re often quicker than we need to be to jump in and solve a problem. If a toddler is shouting (or more) because they can’t reach the sink, often we will just scoop them up and help them in their mission.
But when we do this, they miss out on the opportunity to learn to problem-solve and build resilience.
Next time the toddler shouts to be delivered to the sink, we can pause before helping and ask, ‘What do you think we should do?’ Give them a chance to think, and feel free to offer ideas. ‘Could you pull your steps over and climb up?’.
3. Using Comfort Over Validation – Parenting Habits To Change
We can be quick to try and soothe our kids when they have negative feelings. Of course we can – we don’t want to see them feeling bad. When our child doesn’t want to go to the party because they won’t know anyone, it’s easy to jump in with, ‘Don’t be silly. You’ll have fun once you get there!’ We mean to be reassuring, but what can happen is that we minimise the anxiety and encourage it to be pushed under the carpet.
Instead, we can validate their (legitimate) feelings. ‘It’s totally normal to feel nervous when you’re going somewhere new.’ And then we can follow up with some supportive problem-solving: ‘Do you want to make a plan together for what to do when you get there?”
4. Avoiding Hard Conversations – Parenting Habits To Change
We don’t want to make our kids feel rubbish, so it can feel counterintuitive to focus on an uncomfortable truth. If your child gets a cue wrong and speaks at the wrong point in the class play, but then doesn’t mention it later, it can feel like the easy and kinder thing to do to not mention it.
But if we pass over the stickier moments, kids might end up finding it really hard to talk about imperfections or receive feedback.
Instead of ignoring the situation, gentle conversations can help broach sensitive topics. ‘I noticed you talked too soon but was so impressed that you noticed the mistake and stayed calm, and then you started again when it was your turn.’
5. Always Encouraging ‘Be Careful’ Instead Of ‘Give It A Try’
We want our kids to be fearless (within reason) and brave enough to try new things. But some of our parental instincts totally counteract that. It’s our job to keep them safe but if our immediate reaction is to blurt out, ‘be careful’, we end up teaching our kids that they need to be wary all the time. This doesn’t exactly lead to being adventurous and courageous, does it? More like overly cautious and risk-averse.
It takes a bit of determination from us, but we can swap ‘Be careful’ for ‘Notice what’s around you—what’s your plan?. This teaches children that, yes, caution and awareness are needed but that you trust them to work it out for themselves. Which more often than not, they can.
Do you get fed up with parenting advice that seems to imply you can achieve perfection in everything you do with your children? I sure do. Working towards a Growth Mindset is not about perfection. It is definitely not about guilt-tripping. It is about becoming more self-aware, and making tweaks in your behaviour with your kids. These are small changes, not a root–and-branch upheaval. And they all aim at creating more resilience and confidence in your family. Seems hard to argue with that!
If you’d like more free practical tips on raising resilient kids, sign up for Noisy Book Cub Mail.
Thank You To Becca – The Noisy Book Club
Mum of two, lover of rubbish TV and expert in picking up (but rarely seeing through) new hobbies – Becca turned her school into a Growth Mindset school, training over 1,000 pupils, staff and parents/carers who signed up for the ride. Since then, she’s taught Growth Mindset to all the kids she’s taught – and their parents!
Following her maternity leave, and looking for some flexibility, she started the Noisy Book Club to teach parents some of the tips and tricks from the classroom, to help them raise their child to be a happy, confident and enthusiastic learner.
Check out the Noisy Book Club here!
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If You Found This Post Useful, You May Also Like:
What Is A ‘Growth Mindset’? And How Do You Help Young Children To Have One?
Parenting Is Emotional: How to Manage Your Child’s Tears (And Yours)
What Is A Play Therapist (And How Could They Help Your Child)?
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