I thought I had put it behind me. Still, when my son started school, the sight of pinboards, the sounds of the playground, and the smells of disinfectant and lunch mixed together were incredibly triggering. I was back to feeling like I could cry, that I should run and remember the salty taste of tears.
Helen Rimmer, mum of two, from The Kind Brave Leader shares her story of how her school aversion affected her children’s transition to school, and what she advises to parents in a similar situation. Read on to find out her story.
I Was A School Refuser
I would cry, I would scream, and my mum had to carry me in. School made me go into fight or flight. Even as I write that, I can feel my heart beating faster like a fast drum, I can feel myself tense up, and I feel about 7 again, a small child holding on to my mum, sobbing that wretched, all-encompassing cry that small children do. I hated school, and whilst I remember some great teachers, I have this deep-seated feeling of wanting to run from school. In fact, I decided at age 6 that I wanted a governess, and I was most aggrieved to discover that this was not feasible.
Luckily, I screamed less and less as I went through school, but I never liked it. My mum was a teacher, and I knew many teachers, but this didn’t stop me from wanting to run. It was almost bigger than me or the individual teachers; it was all about the institution. I now know I thrive in flexibility and hate rules. I was not built for school. Autonomy calms me and makes me happy. I will always question rules and prefer to avoid being told what to do. I have a powerful sense of justice and am not the most conformist person. It is not a recipe for schools that are all about rules and conformity (or were in the 80s/90s).
I thought I had put it behind me. Still, when my son started school, the sight of pinboards, the sounds of the playground, and the smells of disinfectant and lunch mixed together were incredibly triggering. I was back to feeling like I could cry, that I should run and remember the salty taste of tears.
The Transition From Child To Parent
Our own experiences can significantly influence our approach to education and parenting. For instance, if I am more sensitive to my children’s emotional signals and prioritise their well-being over academic achievements. I approached schooling my son cautiously, aiming to protect him from similar experiences of misunderstanding and isolation.
As parents, we are highly attuned to our children’s emotional needs, which influence our parenting style. We might strive to be more communicative, empathetic, and supportive, creating an open environment where our children feel comfortable expressing their fears and anxieties.
I began to realise that our past experiences of school refusal could influence our feelings about our child’s start at school. This realisation came gradually, during school visits, at pick-up and parents’ evenings. It was a poignant moment filled with personal memories and concerns for our child’s future.
Acknowledging My Past While Supporting My Children
I now realise I need to reflect on how I can support my children without projecting my fears around school onto them, which is essential. I now balance acknowledging my past with allowing my children to carve their own paths, ensuring they feel supported and understood.
Acknowledging the impact of my school refusal experiences on my approach to my child starting school is an opportunity to use my understanding and empathy to guide and support them through their educational journey. I can share my strength and resilience, showing them that while challenges may arise, they are not insurmountable.
In essence, transitioning from being a child who refused school to a parent navigating my child’s education is a journey of growth, learning, and love. It’s about transforming my past experiences into a source of strength and empathy for my children as they embark on their educational adventures.
Manifestations Of Anxiety
As my child’s school journey approached, I revisited my anxieties. The school environment, with its rules and structures, triggered memories of my discomfort, leading me to avoid school pickups and drop-offs. My fears extended to how my child would adapt socially and academically, prompting vigilant scrutiny of their educational experience.
Preparing My Child For School
While my deeply buried feelings about school surprised me the first time, I am determined to support my younger child’s transition into school. I am focused on building a positive narrative around education, familiarising them with the school environment, and fostering their social and emotional skills. Establishing routines and maintaining open communication was key to ensuring they felt secure and understood. I will also reach out to their future teachers, laying the foundation for a supportive partnership.
The Role Of Schools In Supporting Families
On my son’s first day, we weren’t allowed to go in with them; from my point of view, we were handing them over to these strangers in this huge, scary place, and even though my son was sobbing, I had to walk away. That experience was awful. I felt as small and inadequate as I did at age 7.
Of course, I’m reluctant to put more pressure on teachers, they have a hard enough job already. But schools have a significant role in easing the transition for children and parents alike. An approach to listening to parents includes some active listening and, in the future, an education system that allows teachers time to work with parents more.
I’d also like to see more understanding of how challenging school can be for parents based on their own experiences. Clear communication channels and responsive support systems are essential in creating a nurturing educational environment.
Advice To Parents In Similar Situations
To parents facing similar anxieties, remember you’re not alone. Acknowledge your feelings, communicate openly with your child, and seek professional guidance. Building a support network and focusing on your child’s emotional and social readiness can empower you to navigate this transition more effectively.
This journey from a school refuser to a proactive parent has been one of growth, learning, and love. It has taught me the value of understanding, empathy, and support in transforming educational experiences.
By sharing my story, I hope to offer reassurance and practical advice to other parents navigating the start of school when their own experience wasn’t great. With the right approach, it’s possible to guide our children through their school journey with confidence and joy.
Helen is an executive coach, mentor, and trainer specialising in kindness and wellbeing. Check out The Kind Brave Leader today
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