Leaving your child at childcare for the very first time is a big step – and a pretty daunting one at that. You are – after all – handing over your child to a virtual stranger. You don’t know how they will cope. And you might not be sure how you’ll cope either!
We asked parents to tell us what it’s like.
When they rush in without a backward glance
Some children love it right away and barely give a glance back as you leave. Like Sophie’s daughters:
“Both mine (even the lockdown baby) absolutely loved nursery from the moment they stepped through the door. When I did the stay and play session to settle them in they both came over and said ‘Bye Mummy’ as if they wanted me to leave!”
This is, of course, the best case scenario. But it can still feel like a wrench. You’ve spent all those weeks and months with your little one by your side, day and night. Being without them feels a bit like losing a limb.
You don’t really know what to do with yourself at first. You’ve imagined all the millions of things you can get done once you have a bit of kid-free time but then end up just sitting and staring into space!
“I was all prepped for big tears and not wanting to go in,” says Becky. “And when we got there he ran from me to the toys set up in the room without even glancing over his shoulder! Must admit it made it much easier to leave him but I spent two hours not knowing what to do with myself.”
So it can be a bit of a shock even when they skip in happily. What does it feel like when they have to prised from your ankles sobbing?
When they cling to your ankles and cry
If your child cries and has to be prised from your ankles it can be super tough. And it can be really hard to walk away and stop your own tears from falling. Emma says:
“Orla used to cry so much and cling to my legs, begging me not to leave. I used to sit outside the playgroup on a bench sobbing my heart out, knowing she was inside doing the same. It was torturous and hurt my heart so much.”
Lisa describes it as feeling like shell shock:
“When we dropped Jack off at nursery for the first time, he grabbed on to me crying and had to be prised off. Andy and I went home and just sat on the sofa not speaking for the two hours he was there and then went and picked him up. The next day we did the same but this time in a cafe! We were shell-shocked and having been together 24/7 through lockdown it was so odd to have left him with strangers and not be with him.”
It’s such a big step and leaving them if they’re sobbing is one of the hardest things to do.
Or when they don’t cry, but they also don’t get involved…
“Lucy didn’t start nursery until she was 3,” Says Lisa. “And she was a Covid toddler so she hadn’t done a lot of mixing with other children.
“Crying at drop-off was actually quite minimal, but for the first few weeks she didn’t join in or play with the other children at all. She spent nearly the whole day sitting alone on a very specific cushion in the home corner. (And if she couldn’t find that one cushion there were a LOT of tears!)
“The staff at the nursery were great, they didn’t force her to join in or make a big deal out of her behaviour. Although it broke my heart to think of her sitting on her own all day, I also tried to be super chill about the whole thing.
“After a few weeks she started gradually coming out of her shell, and by the end of the first term she had a lovely group of friends. I think you have to let kids find their own way with things, even when it’s hard! As parents it’s so tempting to give instructions and help all the time, when actually letting your child find their own feet is a much bigger confidence booster in the long run.”
It gets easier though
What’s important to remember is that childminders and early years staff have settled in loads and loads of children before. They will have lots of procedures in place to comfort your child and help them settle. And they WILL settle over time. It’s this beginning bit that’s tough.
Alex says:
“Taking Willow to nursery for the first time was tough, having had her in lock down she hadn’t been away from me at all and was not used to being left with other people, even her grandparents and so she was extremely upset and clung to me.
“I held in my tears and left the nursery where I then cried for the entire hour I left her there. In a matter of days, she become to love nursery and now I do not even get a kiss goodbye most of the time as she is so eager to run in and see her friends!”
Sometimes it just takes time… For us and them!
For Helen, it wasn’t something that happened quickly. But it just took a bit of time. She says:
“It certainly felt very odd walking back from the nursery with an empty buggy, we had only been apart a handful of times at this point. I was a bit worried although I knew it would be good for both of us. She was often tearful at drop offs, and sometimes pick up. I’ve been told it is normal for children to get tearful at pick up too, it can be relief or just that they have lots of emotions going on! But it doesn’t mean they have been sad the whole session. Our nursery uses an app to share pictures, which I really enjoy seeing, seeing her having fun with her new friends and busy playing.”
“She then started doing two full days at nursery, and took longer than most to settle in. Nursery staff suggested that we shorten her days again, so we did half days for a little while, before going back to two full days- by this time she had settled in nicely and loves it, she looks forward to going to nursery. We live close by so sometimes we walk past the nursery on days she is not going in, and she eagerly says “affrey!” which is what she calls nursery. I can see that nursery has increased her confidence, and staff say they can see her personality coming through, and I hope that the fact she enjoys nursery will make the transition to school (a tiny bit!) easier. She particularly loves singing and painting at nursery!”
If you or your child are feeling a little wobbly about being apart then you might want to try the hug button.
It’s possibly one of the sweetest things we’ve seen to help with separation anxiety. The idea is to draw a little heart on your child’s palm and your own. You ‘charge’ the heart hugs up by pressing your hands together. Then, when you’re apart you can squeeze the heart on your hand to send each other hugs!
The hug button was first posted about on Facebook a few years ago by Louise Hannah, who wrote:
“I could tell he was feeling a little emotional this morning so we had a chat and came up with the idea of having a heart each and if we pressed it it sent a hug to the other one (he said he cried as he missed me on his first half day last week) it totally worked! I drew a heart on both our hands and gave him a spare one on his arm in case the one on his hand wore off , we “charged ” them by holding hands on the way to school and when I picked him up I said did you get my hugs and he happily said yep! He also said “I pressed it for a long time mummy but I didn’t cry ” so I said ahhhh that will be that big squeeze I got , did you get my big squeeze back ? ” and he said yep!”
How gorgeous is that?
This too shall pass…
If you’re going through tears at drop off right now be reassured that this won’t last forever. Childminders and nursery staff have settled loads and loads of children before and will make sure that your little one is OK. They have all sorts of tricks up their sleeves to comfort them and help them settle.
We’ve also got some top tips to help here
We know how much it hurts your heart though. Hang in there!
Are you looking for cheap activities and classes before your child starts nursery?
Activities for parents, guardians, and 0-5-year-olds are running all-year round on Happity. And there are plenty of cheap or free classes listed too, including activities run by libraries, churches and charities. They’re great fun, and they give you a chance to find support and friendship, which might lead to other play dates and meet-ups too.
Find a class on Happity today!
You might also like:
How to understand and deal with a clingy toddler
What to pack for nursery – your ultimate checklist
9 top tips when your child is starting nursery
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